I feel very fortunate that the universe is unfolding, no doubt, as it should. Call me greedy or bratty but I feel like I have it all. I literally see happiness in every direction. So is it possible to mourn over something you haven't lost yet? I am constantly filled with joy yet these days my eyes are constantly filled with tears. This chapter of my life is about to conclude and there is no way to stop it.
What makes this so hard is that I realize everything. I know this is part of life, I know I can't stay in Boulder forever, I know that every year thousands of people graduate and take the next step, I know that my close friends and I will always be there for each other, I know that this summer will be phenomenal, I know that NYC holds an unimaginable bright future and I know that these 4 years in Boulder will never be taken away from me- they have made me who I am.
So that's what makes it unbearable. There is no cure, there are no words- it's just something that has to happen. And it will happen. It is happening.
I don't understand how it went so fast. Especially recently- it's like I can feel every hour passing. Days used to feel long, lectures used to feel endless and suddenly they are snapshots in time. It feels like I woke up one day and everything was different. I still think one day I will return to Jeffrey court, my parents, all my siblings and I will sleep under one roof, and life will be what is used to. And I think Boulder will always exist in my mind as it is right now. Where I know everyone and every inch of campus has a memory attached to it.
The idea of starting over aches. Clearly no one is getting replaced but rather being added to my great life. I know there are still so many more fabulous, enriching people to meet but I don't want to leave my friends here. I know there are more overly romantic, breath-taking moments with unknown boyfriends but I like the unnecessarily-complicated relationship I'm in.
So here's that battle- the bittersweet. Everything in my life is good at this exact moment and everything coming will be good too. But how do you make the transition?
