I just spent the last two hours sitting in Jean's room flipping through Vogue and some expensive shoe catalog (that we actually don't think even sells shoes but rather fantasies) and pulled out pages that inspired us or told adventurous stories. It's amazing the emotion that a camera can capture- the simple shadows or the full blown, vibrant colors- both give me instant memories or instant glances at my (dream) future. A 'soho' modern apartment with glass walls and high class furniture and the silhouette of two dancing lovers- sometimes I like to imagine myself in a big city, in a small apartment, with a little job, curled up in my couch watching Love Actually (yes Keeley and I watch the same movies..), sipping on hot coffee and glancing at the moving world around me. I could honestly fully imagine living in this photo.
If I could take a photograph of my life, it would be in black and white, classy. The mountains would be nuzzled in the back while the ocean would seep the foreground. Barefoot in a summer dress, I'd stand alone but my family and friends not too far off center. Nervous to make footprints yet I'd have forward motion. The trees would sway and leaves would fall but my strong stance would base me in the sand. My hair is down, my eyes are mysteriously seeking forward and there is nothing but possibility resting before me.
If only Vogue could capture that.
Monday, October 27, 2008
Monday, October 13, 2008
Long Time Gone
I recently went through a phase of being absolutely numb to everything but the weather and the season change. It began with an email intended for my mailbox but never made it and concluded with endless tears that had been stored away since June. The numbness was like no situation I had experienced before. Even as my life began to develop and advance- I felt nothing. It was as if I was someone I had never met and I didn't even recognize myself in the mirror. But when I walked around campus and felt the cool wind burn against my face- I felt something. I felt happiness and was so thankful that I live here and I began taking photographs with my mind- wishing that maybe someone would see the immense beauty that lay before my eyes.
The tears came on Friday. It was raining, gloomy and everyone (but me) complained about how freezing it had become. I still didn't recognize myself especially when getting ready for the evening. It's like having one of those days where nothing looks good and you feel like regardless of the 20 dresses in your closet- you have nothing to wear. I borrowed clothes from friends and finally settled but still didn't feel right. Ironically I got multiple compliments on my attire but I didn't know what they were seeing.
The tears swelled my face. Even the following day it hurt to keep them open. The dark clouds kept me inside all day and brought out sisterhood bonding and multiple cups of chai tea. By 6 pm, I had officially done nothing and so I began to talk. I talked out every issue that had been revealed by the tears and every wound that now seeped open to the public. At 9, I went to work and I felt something on the walk there. It began to smell like Christmas ( a smell I've been waiting for since it dissipated 10 months ago) and suddenly everything seemed okay. When I returned home at 1 (yes surprisingly people go to the gym on a Saturday night till 1am...) I felt a rush inside of me. I turned on Love Actually (a must) and cleaned my room- something I hadn't done in a very long time but is so me. I love to be clean and I simply hadn't felt the need for it since I hadn't felt anything in quiet a long time. I awoke this morning way past my ETA but it was alright. I went on the have one of my favorite days- the library, freshly brewed coffee, hanging out with Joanna, did my laundry, worked out, and concluding the evening with a magical chat with my sister. For the first time in weeks- I was me. People noticed (as if I should care about their comments but forgive me I do) I had more people tell me that I looked happy- that I looked good- that I looked like me- than I have in weeks. I'm back.
The first snow arrived tonight. I somehow don't think it's a coinsidence that it occured tonight- on this sudden re-amp of my life. My favorite season is finally here and I can't believe I almost missed it.
The tears came on Friday. It was raining, gloomy and everyone (but me) complained about how freezing it had become. I still didn't recognize myself especially when getting ready for the evening. It's like having one of those days where nothing looks good and you feel like regardless of the 20 dresses in your closet- you have nothing to wear. I borrowed clothes from friends and finally settled but still didn't feel right. Ironically I got multiple compliments on my attire but I didn't know what they were seeing.
The tears swelled my face. Even the following day it hurt to keep them open. The dark clouds kept me inside all day and brought out sisterhood bonding and multiple cups of chai tea. By 6 pm, I had officially done nothing and so I began to talk. I talked out every issue that had been revealed by the tears and every wound that now seeped open to the public. At 9, I went to work and I felt something on the walk there. It began to smell like Christmas ( a smell I've been waiting for since it dissipated 10 months ago) and suddenly everything seemed okay. When I returned home at 1 (yes surprisingly people go to the gym on a Saturday night till 1am...) I felt a rush inside of me. I turned on Love Actually (a must) and cleaned my room- something I hadn't done in a very long time but is so me. I love to be clean and I simply hadn't felt the need for it since I hadn't felt anything in quiet a long time. I awoke this morning way past my ETA but it was alright. I went on the have one of my favorite days- the library, freshly brewed coffee, hanging out with Joanna, did my laundry, worked out, and concluding the evening with a magical chat with my sister. For the first time in weeks- I was me. People noticed (as if I should care about their comments but forgive me I do) I had more people tell me that I looked happy- that I looked good- that I looked like me- than I have in weeks. I'm back.
The first snow arrived tonight. I somehow don't think it's a coinsidence that it occured tonight- on this sudden re-amp of my life. My favorite season is finally here and I can't believe I almost missed it.
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