4 state lines later, I am sitting in my parent’s house surrounded by boxes and memories. My clothes still smell like Boulder, my clock is still set on Boulder and yet here I am in a t-shirt from high school and on Pacific Coast Time.
I spent my last two days in Boulder breathing in every magical essence it has to offer. My birthday was one of a kind. With beaming sunshine of nearly 85*, we bathed in the front yard eating popsicles and brussel spouts (yes my new obsession). Margaritas at the Rio, cat nap in between and a birthday party that I’ll never forget wrapped up not only 21 years of life but the 4 years I spent in Boulder. Throughout the day, my friends went above and beyond with balloons, cake, VHS movies, no complaining when I demanded we go to the Walrus, infinite playlists of djs I’ll never know their true names and although the night left me in those tears of happiness, it was the perfect final act.
The 1,700 mile trip was sort of icing on the cake or the binding of the book. Jenna and I stopped at every state line to take jumping pictures, ate a classy meal at Dennys, hiked in Arches National Park and were nearly blown over by the extreme sand winds and stayed in Cedar Springs, Utah where the hot tub alone was worth the $60. It snowed during the night, it blazed heat in the day and of course we stopped in Barstow for In&Out. With a mix of 4 or 5 highways and interstates, we were suddenly at Jenna’s house and my co pilot retired. Dropping Jenna off left Franklin and me feeling empty (even though he was still packed with my crap) and already longing for our next reunion. It’s strange to spend every waking moment with someone (let me tell you- Jenna and I spend more time together than a part) and then suddenly be without them. It seems everything isn’t as funny and the skies aren’t as blue. (Plus singing Katy Perry’s newest hit isn’t as fun as a solo).
I ventured through LA traffic and stayed for 2 days with Keeley and Jeremy. Just another sweet glance at how true love exists when your heart lets another in and that this next phase in my life will be just as magical as the last.
Santa Barbara. My best friend Lexi resides right on the beach in an environment so similar to mine that it had me craving for Boulder and looking for familiar faces in the local bars. I had a blast with her friends, who so graciously treat me as if I were one of them, and the boys from high school are still the silly and give ridiculous advice but chant “Die-lawn” when I walk in the room. We made our annual “Dylan is Visiting: Trader Joe Dinner” and gossiped as if high school was yesterday.
SLO: Just an hour north to Cal Poly lives my other best friend Kari, or Mead as I like to call her. We used to email every single day during college. Over the past 4 years, we definitely stopped emailing daily and okay maybe it turned into bimonthly chats but even in that gap of time we have remained as close as ever. I’ve never seen her so happy and at ease with herself. Part of me feels sad that I didn’t get to be there when she transformed into this amazing, driven, confident woman but I know that she’s saved room for me in her future and the bond we created so long ago will last forever.
The four hour solo drive was rough. I was tired, felt dirty, restless and pissed about the CA law that prohibits cell phone use when driving. But when I drove over the Golden Gate and it was still 70* by dusk, I felt this journey form full circle. Franklin and I pulled into 9 Jeffrey and as I naturally took a deep breath, I could hear the final page turn.
Since being home, I have been unpacking, repacking, making piles for camp, NYC and the infamous “Why the hell did I bring this home” pile. (That pile has a one way ticket to the Goodwill). Taylor and I officially made the map for August- we’re stopping in cities as famous Indianapolis and as low key as Green River, WY. The 95 will swing us into Brooklyn and as we drew lines to mark miles, any worry I’ve had about this move was eased.
The unpacking and repacking has left me with 2 boxes and 3 suitcases. Amazing. One bag is camp stuff (I leave in a week!!!) and the others have NYC written across the top. This is the reality I can handle- this is the reality hit I’ve been waiting for.
It’s all changing. We’re all changing. Whether it’s Silas going to prom tonight and Oregon in the fall, Sarah and Derek getting engaged yesterday (ahhh first one!!), Keeley and Jeremy moving to the Bay Area, Rebecca becoming a RD, Taylor finally leaving the constricting CA lines or my parents taking an “empty nest” trip to Hawaii, we’re all doing it. Not to quote High School Musical but it’s true- we’re all in this together and not only does that ease the fear but it generates this extreme excitement that is engraved in a smile that just won’t go away :)
Sunday, May 30, 2010
Thursday, May 20, 2010
Taking The Long Way
It seems necessary to just spit out all my feelings and thoughts and hope that cohesion will naturally form.
Graduation: the ultimate dichotomy. There were tears and laughter, snow and sunshine, toasts and roasts, red wine and white and yet it now all lumps together into this final chapter. I wouldn't have gotten through it without my parents. Funny that here was some big entrance into the adult world and all I wanted was to hold my dad's hand.
Texas: Many of my friends left Boulder after graduation and since I'm awkward and hard with goodbyes, I sort of cheated and flew 1,000 miles south to San Antonio. I remember first learning the term "oasis" and rather than picturing the palm tree and watering hole in a blistering desert, I saw 400 Tapatio Drive West. Still today my oasis is a brown trimmed house with flocking deer in the open spaced backyard. I feel the air conditioning sending tingles down my spine when I enter the house (always through the garage)and are released from that Texas heat. My Noni and Papa are always sitting on the porch overlooking the golf course, a banana popsicle is waiting for me and the gin rummy tournament is about to start. Being in Texas, at my oasis, was just what I needed after the emotional and physical draining of finals and graduation. I needed the comfort food, the black and white movies, the porch talks, the scanning of old photos and being surrounded by complete unconditional love.
Summer: I forgot how fabulous Boulder summer is. Sitting on the porch steps reading the latest Jodi Picoult novel, lying out and tanning in minutes because being a mile closer to the sun really gets ya, playing frisbee in the street, all the neighbors congregating without planning and the afternoon BBQs that feed into warm, jacket-less nights. Everything is done without chaos and it seems there's not a worry in the world.
Reality: I am leaving Boulder on Saturday. I've been practicing sentences like this- the kind where it's the right thing to say but yet feels unnatural. I still get jumbled in my words- on a recent post-graduation/birthday shopping trip, the cashier asked me for my zip code and I responded with a lost puppy dog face, "uhhh umm" and finally said Boulder, 80302. But what happens after this weekend? I can't claim my zip code as Mountain Camp's, I don't know where in Brooklyn Joanna and I are moving and since I'm subleasing my room in Boulder I guess I give up that address too. Talk about feeling lost.
The Roadtrip: Surprise, surprise the roadrunner in me is not leaving Boulder without a fight. Jenna has so graciously offered to drive Franklin back to CA with me. With stops in Arches National Park, LA, Santa Barbara and Cal Poly, a trip that should take a day and a half is now taking me nearly a week. I think I am postponing the whole moving process by constantly being on the move. I will admit I'm stoked for the open road. Give me some Jackson Browne and Bruce Hornsby and I'll drive for days. However, the thought of getting on the road seems impossible. Part of me wants to escape in the middle of the night because I don't know if I can physically leave Boulder if the rear view mirror reveals sunshine and flashbacks to these fabulous 4 years. I might have to cheat again and roll up 36 before the sun can catch me.
Reality Part II: The goodbyes. I've been saying "see you soon" because goodbye is so permanent. However, I said my first real goodbye last night when I left Amber, the 8 year old I've been nannying this entire school year. Somewhere between packing lunches, creating art projects, listening to the recent 2nd grade drama and chatting with moms at the playground, Amber became a big part of my life. I was with her 4-5 days a week, we ate most our meals together, she met my friends and she became my companion. Leaving her behind just didn't seem right. Leaving all the people who have meant so much to me just doesn't seem right either.
So here we are. Reality is hitting and now that I've gotten comfortable with that fact I have to know it's okay to hurt. My parents nicely reminded me that it's okay to cry. I've been trying to be tough, trying to optimistic and trying to soak in each moment here without tears. But I've realized they are tears filled of happiness and gratitude. If leaving Boulder was easy, then my time here wouldn't be valued. These aching emotions are here for a reason. Leaving Boulder is hard because this bubble, this alter reality filled with friends, memories and no regrets, is forever a part of me. And thankfully that is something that no graduation, roadtrip or cross country move will change.
Graduation: the ultimate dichotomy. There were tears and laughter, snow and sunshine, toasts and roasts, red wine and white and yet it now all lumps together into this final chapter. I wouldn't have gotten through it without my parents. Funny that here was some big entrance into the adult world and all I wanted was to hold my dad's hand.
Texas: Many of my friends left Boulder after graduation and since I'm awkward and hard with goodbyes, I sort of cheated and flew 1,000 miles south to San Antonio. I remember first learning the term "oasis" and rather than picturing the palm tree and watering hole in a blistering desert, I saw 400 Tapatio Drive West. Still today my oasis is a brown trimmed house with flocking deer in the open spaced backyard. I feel the air conditioning sending tingles down my spine when I enter the house (always through the garage)and are released from that Texas heat. My Noni and Papa are always sitting on the porch overlooking the golf course, a banana popsicle is waiting for me and the gin rummy tournament is about to start. Being in Texas, at my oasis, was just what I needed after the emotional and physical draining of finals and graduation. I needed the comfort food, the black and white movies, the porch talks, the scanning of old photos and being surrounded by complete unconditional love.
Summer: I forgot how fabulous Boulder summer is. Sitting on the porch steps reading the latest Jodi Picoult novel, lying out and tanning in minutes because being a mile closer to the sun really gets ya, playing frisbee in the street, all the neighbors congregating without planning and the afternoon BBQs that feed into warm, jacket-less nights. Everything is done without chaos and it seems there's not a worry in the world.
Reality: I am leaving Boulder on Saturday. I've been practicing sentences like this- the kind where it's the right thing to say but yet feels unnatural. I still get jumbled in my words- on a recent post-graduation/birthday shopping trip, the cashier asked me for my zip code and I responded with a lost puppy dog face, "uhhh umm" and finally said Boulder, 80302. But what happens after this weekend? I can't claim my zip code as Mountain Camp's, I don't know where in Brooklyn Joanna and I are moving and since I'm subleasing my room in Boulder I guess I give up that address too. Talk about feeling lost.
The Roadtrip: Surprise, surprise the roadrunner in me is not leaving Boulder without a fight. Jenna has so graciously offered to drive Franklin back to CA with me. With stops in Arches National Park, LA, Santa Barbara and Cal Poly, a trip that should take a day and a half is now taking me nearly a week. I think I am postponing the whole moving process by constantly being on the move. I will admit I'm stoked for the open road. Give me some Jackson Browne and Bruce Hornsby and I'll drive for days. However, the thought of getting on the road seems impossible. Part of me wants to escape in the middle of the night because I don't know if I can physically leave Boulder if the rear view mirror reveals sunshine and flashbacks to these fabulous 4 years. I might have to cheat again and roll up 36 before the sun can catch me.
Reality Part II: The goodbyes. I've been saying "see you soon" because goodbye is so permanent. However, I said my first real goodbye last night when I left Amber, the 8 year old I've been nannying this entire school year. Somewhere between packing lunches, creating art projects, listening to the recent 2nd grade drama and chatting with moms at the playground, Amber became a big part of my life. I was with her 4-5 days a week, we ate most our meals together, she met my friends and she became my companion. Leaving her behind just didn't seem right. Leaving all the people who have meant so much to me just doesn't seem right either.
So here we are. Reality is hitting and now that I've gotten comfortable with that fact I have to know it's okay to hurt. My parents nicely reminded me that it's okay to cry. I've been trying to be tough, trying to optimistic and trying to soak in each moment here without tears. But I've realized they are tears filled of happiness and gratitude. If leaving Boulder was easy, then my time here wouldn't be valued. These aching emotions are here for a reason. Leaving Boulder is hard because this bubble, this alter reality filled with friends, memories and no regrets, is forever a part of me. And thankfully that is something that no graduation, roadtrip or cross country move will change.
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