With nearly 20 inches of snow beginning to fill Boston with post Christmas spirit, I feel it's the first time I am sitting, calm and have no where to be. Don't get me wrong, I love the fast paced life, the busy schedules and the joyous feeling of falling into bed after somehow cramming 25 hours into a 24 hour day. But for now, this quiet and stillness is just what I've craved.
Seeing as the last month flew by, the backtracking seems to ramble from my mouth. Thanksgiving was the best and by best I mean best. Just what I needed, just what I hoped for. Days upon returning to Boston, we drove up to Vermont where the freezing ice revealed my first snow dusting of the season. Kevin did a show and opened for Nick Cannon (did I really forget to tell everyone Kev does stand up comedy...), we saw old camp friends, reunited with Kevin's college friends and returned to warmer weather in B-town.
Days later we hoped on the Fung-Wah bus and headed south to the ever so magical land of New.York.City. Within 48 hours, we saw it all. Friends for bottomless brunch, Cake Boss, Dylan's Candy Bar, Serendipity, The Plaza and made Home Alone faces, the Rockefeller tree that literally brought a tear to my eye, Bryant Park ice skating, the ever so inspiring NY Public Library, celebrities in Greenwich, college friends in the lower east side and spent a solid sleep in Hoboken with Kevin's oldest childhood friend. As the rain began to pour, we headed back to Boston, a winning Patriot's game and just in time to get the Anglin Christmas tree!
The first weekend in Boston, in nearly a month, gave me the much needed opportunity to reevaluate things. Here we were deep in the Christmas season, the first snow blessed us, the joyful holiday spirit in full bloom and I was stuck in bed for the 3rd time in a month with the flu. The weakened immunity brought out my strengths as I decided to make a new plan. A new and yes again progressing plan. A plan where I'm no longer this fresh grad starving for work but am an adult beginning to make it. The plan is still in the creation period but just the feeling of knowing I can do more, I can be more- has fully uplifted my spirits.
Christmas arrived at a record speed. School closed, celebrations occurred and suddenly it was Christmas Eve. Time for a selfish confession. As a true lover of Christmas and one who relies too heavily on the love and support of her family, I thought this Christmas was going to slip away and I'd be left in shambles. Thousands of miles away from my own traditions, my own stocking, my own family, I felt that I'd be forgotten and just prayed the holiday would pass. I even feel embarrassed now to confess such selfish thoughts but I am confident enough to laugh at myself and tell you all that this was truly the best Christmas I've ever had. Not only was I not forgotten but I don't think I've ever been so remembered. Starting from the parents at school to my parents on the west coast to Kevin's parents here in Boston- I have truly never felt so loved in my life. The Anglin's graciously asked me to spend the holiday with them. They shared their traditions and treated me as one of their own. Christmas Eve dinner with 20 cousins, meeting Grandma Christmas day, a stocking hung with care and a spot in their family Christmas photo. The entire day was perfect and the only tear shed was when I opened Kevin's gift and I've never felt more thankful for or loved by anyone before. White snow, delicious food and the pure warmth of family. A hilarious conference call (thanks Skype!) to California let me hear the voices I had been missing and for a moment I felt I was sitting there right at Jeffrey court.
Maybe it's because I'm getting older but then again maybe it's because I need to grow up. My mentality and views on things such as Christmas have begun to change. I no longer run downstairs in PJs to daze over Santa's presents or even make a Christmas list and hope that I've made it on the nice list. But now, 22 years later, I think I'm beginning to understand the real meaning of Christmas. It was a whole season of love, of believing in yourself, of making dreams come true and of being surrounded by family whether or not they share your last name. This new insight, this new blessing was the greatest gift of all. I still can't wait to see the people who know me best (and revealed that in this year's tradition of limericks) and let California embrace me with her sunshine. But until then I'll be okay. I've got time, I've got dreams and plans to make and it's safe to say, I've got a pretty good thing going for me here in Boston.
Sunday, December 26, 2010
Wednesday, November 24, 2010
A Thankful Fit
Sitting in the Boston Logan International Airport surrounded by fellow travelers, fellow unknown friends that are craving home, fellow Bostonians who are saying goodbye to our city and hello to somewhere that once quite possibly was home. It wasn't till I was leaving that I realized how adapted, how comfortable, how much this city has grown on me and I've grown into it. It's like a new mattress, a new pillow- something that will soon provide the necessary comfort one needs to survive but takes nights of restless sleep, nights of questioning if you'll ever make it, nights of tossing, turning and wanting your old mattress/pillow that formed to every curve and line of your body.
Thanksgiving always seems like the perfect time to reflect. The end of November and somehow this year has just sped through. This year I seem to be the most grateful and thankful because as I scan this year- this year of change, of questioning, of wandering- I am beyond thankful for everyone and everything. It feels like such a growing year. I've become someone I actually like- someone I'm proud to be.
Leaving Boston and returning to California- leaving a loved one and returning to loved ones. I suppose that's all you can ask for- that no matter where you go, you're loved. You're missed, someone is awaiting your arrival- there's someone thinking of you.
So I'm thankful for it all- thankful that I can go back to California, that although it's all changed nothing with our family rituals will have altered. Thankful that Lexi will be returning from her 5 month travels abroad, thankful to hear about everyone's new lives, thankful to make fun of Silas' college raging behavior, thankful for some In&Out, some Home Alone viewing and at the end of it all, I get to return to Kevin- someone I'm endlessly thankful for everyday, every moment, every way.
Thanksgiving always seems like the perfect time to reflect. The end of November and somehow this year has just sped through. This year I seem to be the most grateful and thankful because as I scan this year- this year of change, of questioning, of wandering- I am beyond thankful for everyone and everything. It feels like such a growing year. I've become someone I actually like- someone I'm proud to be.
Leaving Boston and returning to California- leaving a loved one and returning to loved ones. I suppose that's all you can ask for- that no matter where you go, you're loved. You're missed, someone is awaiting your arrival- there's someone thinking of you.
So I'm thankful for it all- thankful that I can go back to California, that although it's all changed nothing with our family rituals will have altered. Thankful that Lexi will be returning from her 5 month travels abroad, thankful to hear about everyone's new lives, thankful to make fun of Silas' college raging behavior, thankful for some In&Out, some Home Alone viewing and at the end of it all, I get to return to Kevin- someone I'm endlessly thankful for everyday, every moment, every way.
Tuesday, October 26, 2010
Progressive Thoughts
With the new addiction to tumblr, my thoughts seem to come in visual or list form. So why stop now...
* I am loving my new job at the preschool. Things that were difficult to get used to: up by 7:30 am every day and not home till after 6pm, the hour long commute both ways, the unreliability of public transportation, the frustration in trying to explain why a nine is shaped like "9" and is not the same at the letter "q" and working 5 days a week while still trying to have a social life. But I am getting through it all by finding the romance in it- seeing the beauty in the commute, the same people, the rituals, the brisk morning walks, the accomplishing feeling when I return home, the magic of following a schedule and laughing at nearly everything my students say (like calling me Miss Dylan...)
* I am still exploring and finding the glory in Boston. Kevin and I went to Cape Cod, I still spend a few hours of the weekend at the Boston Public Library (my commute allows for free reading!) and I actually know my way around. Whether it's the green line, the grocery store or the cobble streets, I am beginning to look like I belong here and even get stopped for directions.
* Since these are confessions it seems natural to reveal some of the not so bright highlights of this new life I am leading. I'll just go out and say it- living 3,000 miles away from CA, having your best friends in all different states and time zones, missing your old life yet knowing you belong in the new one and trying to put on a smile is the hardest thing I've had to do. At times I have felt like a complete failure. I have broken down and wanted to run backwards, I have stalked my friends' pictures on facebook of their current college days and for the first time in a long time I felt completely and utterly lost. With the help of my parents, siblings, friends and boyfriend, I came into the light and am again learning to take it one day at a time. I guess I knew it would be hard but not this hard. It even took me awhile to seek help, to even talk about my current situation because really who wants to talk about feeling lost and depressed?
* As always, there is a bright side! I have taken steps out of the dark shadows and am currently exhaling and loving this life. Yes I miss the past but I know this is where I belong. Yes I have no money and every day brings the new question of what to do about it but I have a job and I am trying (and I have become a better cook!!!!). I miss my friends but I am making new ones here (whether they are Kevin's, dear long lost sorority sisters or random people I meet on the T, I have literally never been this friendly in my life (except when I was rushing Theta...).
* More bright sides (because you can never really have enough). I am going home to CA for Thanksgiving and the school was beyond generous and said do whatever it takes to get the cheapest flight- family comes first. I am spending Christmas with Kevin's family!! For a holiday seasonal mini vacation, we are going to NYC for ice skating in Central Park (yes like my all time favorite movie Serendipity) and seeing the Christmas tree in hopes that Kevin McCallister is still there and home alone. We're spending NYE 2011 in NYC (I used to dream of this when Carson Daily still was on MTV) and finally in January, Kevin will return home with me for my Great Grandma Vi's 100th Birthday!!
* So yes life has ups and downs and plateaus and does flips and sometimes this little life rollercoaster metaphor can get stuck but in the end, the ride is always, always worth it.
* I am loving my new job at the preschool. Things that were difficult to get used to: up by 7:30 am every day and not home till after 6pm, the hour long commute both ways, the unreliability of public transportation, the frustration in trying to explain why a nine is shaped like "9" and is not the same at the letter "q" and working 5 days a week while still trying to have a social life. But I am getting through it all by finding the romance in it- seeing the beauty in the commute, the same people, the rituals, the brisk morning walks, the accomplishing feeling when I return home, the magic of following a schedule and laughing at nearly everything my students say (like calling me Miss Dylan...)
* I am still exploring and finding the glory in Boston. Kevin and I went to Cape Cod, I still spend a few hours of the weekend at the Boston Public Library (my commute allows for free reading!) and I actually know my way around. Whether it's the green line, the grocery store or the cobble streets, I am beginning to look like I belong here and even get stopped for directions.
* Since these are confessions it seems natural to reveal some of the not so bright highlights of this new life I am leading. I'll just go out and say it- living 3,000 miles away from CA, having your best friends in all different states and time zones, missing your old life yet knowing you belong in the new one and trying to put on a smile is the hardest thing I've had to do. At times I have felt like a complete failure. I have broken down and wanted to run backwards, I have stalked my friends' pictures on facebook of their current college days and for the first time in a long time I felt completely and utterly lost. With the help of my parents, siblings, friends and boyfriend, I came into the light and am again learning to take it one day at a time. I guess I knew it would be hard but not this hard. It even took me awhile to seek help, to even talk about my current situation because really who wants to talk about feeling lost and depressed?
* As always, there is a bright side! I have taken steps out of the dark shadows and am currently exhaling and loving this life. Yes I miss the past but I know this is where I belong. Yes I have no money and every day brings the new question of what to do about it but I have a job and I am trying (and I have become a better cook!!!!). I miss my friends but I am making new ones here (whether they are Kevin's, dear long lost sorority sisters or random people I meet on the T, I have literally never been this friendly in my life (except when I was rushing Theta...).
* More bright sides (because you can never really have enough). I am going home to CA for Thanksgiving and the school was beyond generous and said do whatever it takes to get the cheapest flight- family comes first. I am spending Christmas with Kevin's family!! For a holiday seasonal mini vacation, we are going to NYC for ice skating in Central Park (yes like my all time favorite movie Serendipity) and seeing the Christmas tree in hopes that Kevin McCallister is still there and home alone. We're spending NYE 2011 in NYC (I used to dream of this when Carson Daily still was on MTV) and finally in January, Kevin will return home with me for my Great Grandma Vi's 100th Birthday!!
* So yes life has ups and downs and plateaus and does flips and sometimes this little life rollercoaster metaphor can get stuck but in the end, the ride is always, always worth it.
Wednesday, September 29, 2010
The Whole Truth
One month in. I can't tell if it feels like a long or short amount of passed time. With such unpredictable, schedule free days, my life seems to be slowly molding. It's been a rollercoaster and I am dying for smooth sailing. Time to back track.
- I got a job in inside sales for an insurance company. A salary, benefits and office downtown seemed so appealing because isn't that what I'm supposed to be doing? I studied for days for my insurance exam and struggled to pay attention- after all I was studying for something I simply had zero interest in. But I pushed myself and luckily pushed myself into clear thinking. What was I doing? I'd be getting into a career I have no desire for. Happiness was no where in view and so I took a leap of faith and rejected the offer.
- I had a nice long chat with myself. What do I really want to be doing? Where is my passion? Suddenly it was right before my eyes. I have spent most of my 'working' time with kids. As a nanny or camp counselor, I surrounded myself with work that never felt like work. It was living. I dared to look into the educational world and found myself falling more and more. I could teach English, read my favorite books, have creative writing assignments and do what I love every day. My next steps formed themselves as I headed for preschool interviews. Still, in this moment, I am waiting to hear from my first choice as a teacher assistant but I realized even if I don't get it, I made the right choice by ditching the insurance job. My dad phrased it well- my dream was to move to Boston not to become a business woman. So I'm focusing on that and letting the rest of my life unfold as it should.
- All this unemployment has given me time for myself and time for exploring. Whether it's weekend trips to Vermont, day trips into the Gardens or afternoons dazed in the Boston Public Library, I have fallen in love with New England and Boston all over again. I've learned to be as cheap as possible and let my adventurous side take over. Sure the list of 'things to do when I have money' is rather long but I still feel like I'm making the most of it.
- I've created a new writing depot. Tumblr has become my site for thoughts and posts with a different tone for a different time in my life. (http://confessionsofapickle.tumblr.com/) Rather than paragraphs with updates, my new blog has become my entertainment and my hobby. Of course I will still write here for this was what inspired it all.
- Overall, life is good. Taking each day at a time (thanks to Keeley's 'Mechanics of Leaving' album I have found deep comfort in knowing I am not alone). Kevin continues to be the best thing to happen to me. He's opened his arms, house, family and friends as I've struggled to find my way. He reminds me daily that this is a normal part of life, that I'll make it, to breathe and that he'll be there for every fall and every rise. Of course I'm looking forward to the rise but until then this uncomfortable, life learning, endless personal questioning phase is exactly where I should be.
- I got a job in inside sales for an insurance company. A salary, benefits and office downtown seemed so appealing because isn't that what I'm supposed to be doing? I studied for days for my insurance exam and struggled to pay attention- after all I was studying for something I simply had zero interest in. But I pushed myself and luckily pushed myself into clear thinking. What was I doing? I'd be getting into a career I have no desire for. Happiness was no where in view and so I took a leap of faith and rejected the offer.
- I had a nice long chat with myself. What do I really want to be doing? Where is my passion? Suddenly it was right before my eyes. I have spent most of my 'working' time with kids. As a nanny or camp counselor, I surrounded myself with work that never felt like work. It was living. I dared to look into the educational world and found myself falling more and more. I could teach English, read my favorite books, have creative writing assignments and do what I love every day. My next steps formed themselves as I headed for preschool interviews. Still, in this moment, I am waiting to hear from my first choice as a teacher assistant but I realized even if I don't get it, I made the right choice by ditching the insurance job. My dad phrased it well- my dream was to move to Boston not to become a business woman. So I'm focusing on that and letting the rest of my life unfold as it should.
- All this unemployment has given me time for myself and time for exploring. Whether it's weekend trips to Vermont, day trips into the Gardens or afternoons dazed in the Boston Public Library, I have fallen in love with New England and Boston all over again. I've learned to be as cheap as possible and let my adventurous side take over. Sure the list of 'things to do when I have money' is rather long but I still feel like I'm making the most of it.
- I've created a new writing depot. Tumblr has become my site for thoughts and posts with a different tone for a different time in my life. (http://confessionsofapickle.tumblr.com/) Rather than paragraphs with updates, my new blog has become my entertainment and my hobby. Of course I will still write here for this was what inspired it all.
- Overall, life is good. Taking each day at a time (thanks to Keeley's 'Mechanics of Leaving' album I have found deep comfort in knowing I am not alone). Kevin continues to be the best thing to happen to me. He's opened his arms, house, family and friends as I've struggled to find my way. He reminds me daily that this is a normal part of life, that I'll make it, to breathe and that he'll be there for every fall and every rise. Of course I'm looking forward to the rise but until then this uncomfortable, life learning, endless personal questioning phase is exactly where I should be.
Tuesday, August 31, 2010
This Is What Dreams Are Made Of
Leading up to how I currently feel was a long journey. Yes with our detours and stops it was nearly 4,000 miles and 6 days of driving but besides the physical distance I literally feel thousands of miles away from the emotional and mental states that used to be the norm.
For starters, leaving camp was emotional as expected. Goodbyes are extremely difficult when you've spent every day, hour and second with people and suddenly you are forced to hug goodbye and give that "I will see you one day" comment when really they are flying across the globe and one day seems like forever. The only warm hearted feeling is that I will stay in touch with those people and Camp Boston starts relatively soon! (Another bonus for living in a city where a) heaps of other counselors attend school b) a place where foreigners wanna see while touring the USA and c) where Kevin calls home :)
36 hours after packing up my dirty, camp fire smelling clothes and driving down the mountains, I had repacked everything, given away half my life and taped endless boxes of things I wanted shipped to Boston. Taylor and I left in 'Shaneanea' (the lil jetta that we grew to love) and said goodbye to the family and the golden state. It was like leaving for college all over again and like this deep, swollen wound in my heart was being torn open. It felt permanent and like that moment in 'Father of the Bride' where she says she knows she can't stay, she knows she can always return but she feels like she has to turn in her key. Funny that it's my all time favorite movie and for the first time I could relate.
We started our adventure and along came crazy stories and memories- pouring gasoline on Taylor's leg, finding blood in my DQ ice cream come (side note I am totally healthy and do not have diseases from this now funny story), sleeping in the car at a truck stop, being pulled over and strip searched by the Wyoming State Patrol, returning to Boulder and seeing the most important people in the 303, camping in the Badlands, exploring Minneapolis and loving it (even went to the State Fair, went on roller coasters and pet a sheep), cruising across middle America and deciding one day I will live on a farm in Ohio, camping in Ithaca and deciding I will never live there nor step foot there again and finally pulling into Boston and seeing that we had made it. Quite the long run on sentence to mirror the long run on my body and mind while being stuck in a car for 6 days.
So this all leads up to these past 24 hours. Last night we got discouraged as a fellow new Boston resident told us we would essentially fail- we wouldn't find an apartment, friends and even that we would gain weight (hum total side track but yes she implied it). We fell asleep in this gorgeous Victorian Boston home (thanks for college friends!) and as I tossed and turned and worried I just tried to breathe. Restless sleep woke me up at 6am and so we tuned out negativity and went off to find us a home.
I had a feeling that apartment #2 would be the one- 22 is my lucky number but I didn't have the patience or time to see 22 apartments so 2 would do. With one turn of the key, Jordan, the 30 year old realtor who suddenly became our bestie, opened the large wooden door of our dreams. Perfect 2 bedroom, large kitchen, inspiring windows and enough possibility to make it our own that no other apartment compared. The next hours now seem like a blur- we had to get papers signed, money transferred, open new bank accounts, drive around Boston and not get hit by the T and somehow survive in the blazing humid heat. But guess what- we did it. By 5pm, we had signed everything, met the owner and convinced him we were the tenants he'd been looking for. We had made friends along the way and actually have furniture looking dates tomorrow (the BC kids put all their sweet furniture out on the streets for free and yes it's classy and yet it's used but literally we are broke).
So here I am- it's been years of dreaming and suddenly it's all coming true. As of midnight tonight, I have an apartment. I have signed a lease for 1 year and therefore, not like I ever would leave, but am required to stay here and make a life. Joanna and I have pushed aside every worry and every bad thing people have told us and well stuck it to the man. We did it.
The universe, now more than ever, is unfolding. Maybe I need a job but tonight I'm focusing on all that I have. I have an amazingly supportive family who went out of their way to praise this accomplishment and even went out of their busy day to co-sign a lease so that his roadrunning daughter can start a new life. I have a best friend who put up with my worries and tears and reminded me that it would work out and friends who currently don't live here but have been in spirit this whole journey. I have a loving boy (ok fine he's a man) who has made me so beyond excited to take over the east coast and explore every inch of my new city with him even though he calls it his backyard. My dreams have literally come true. I may be 3,000 miles away from the west coast, from the familiarity and from the people I love more than humanely possible but in this new city, in a new room with no bed and ok I'm in a sleeping bag until I have enough money to buy a bed... I feel right where I should be and I wouldn't trade it for anything.
For starters, leaving camp was emotional as expected. Goodbyes are extremely difficult when you've spent every day, hour and second with people and suddenly you are forced to hug goodbye and give that "I will see you one day" comment when really they are flying across the globe and one day seems like forever. The only warm hearted feeling is that I will stay in touch with those people and Camp Boston starts relatively soon! (Another bonus for living in a city where a) heaps of other counselors attend school b) a place where foreigners wanna see while touring the USA and c) where Kevin calls home :)
36 hours after packing up my dirty, camp fire smelling clothes and driving down the mountains, I had repacked everything, given away half my life and taped endless boxes of things I wanted shipped to Boston. Taylor and I left in 'Shaneanea' (the lil jetta that we grew to love) and said goodbye to the family and the golden state. It was like leaving for college all over again and like this deep, swollen wound in my heart was being torn open. It felt permanent and like that moment in 'Father of the Bride' where she says she knows she can't stay, she knows she can always return but she feels like she has to turn in her key. Funny that it's my all time favorite movie and for the first time I could relate.
We started our adventure and along came crazy stories and memories- pouring gasoline on Taylor's leg, finding blood in my DQ ice cream come (side note I am totally healthy and do not have diseases from this now funny story), sleeping in the car at a truck stop, being pulled over and strip searched by the Wyoming State Patrol, returning to Boulder and seeing the most important people in the 303, camping in the Badlands, exploring Minneapolis and loving it (even went to the State Fair, went on roller coasters and pet a sheep), cruising across middle America and deciding one day I will live on a farm in Ohio, camping in Ithaca and deciding I will never live there nor step foot there again and finally pulling into Boston and seeing that we had made it. Quite the long run on sentence to mirror the long run on my body and mind while being stuck in a car for 6 days.
So this all leads up to these past 24 hours. Last night we got discouraged as a fellow new Boston resident told us we would essentially fail- we wouldn't find an apartment, friends and even that we would gain weight (hum total side track but yes she implied it). We fell asleep in this gorgeous Victorian Boston home (thanks for college friends!) and as I tossed and turned and worried I just tried to breathe. Restless sleep woke me up at 6am and so we tuned out negativity and went off to find us a home.
I had a feeling that apartment #2 would be the one- 22 is my lucky number but I didn't have the patience or time to see 22 apartments so 2 would do. With one turn of the key, Jordan, the 30 year old realtor who suddenly became our bestie, opened the large wooden door of our dreams. Perfect 2 bedroom, large kitchen, inspiring windows and enough possibility to make it our own that no other apartment compared. The next hours now seem like a blur- we had to get papers signed, money transferred, open new bank accounts, drive around Boston and not get hit by the T and somehow survive in the blazing humid heat. But guess what- we did it. By 5pm, we had signed everything, met the owner and convinced him we were the tenants he'd been looking for. We had made friends along the way and actually have furniture looking dates tomorrow (the BC kids put all their sweet furniture out on the streets for free and yes it's classy and yet it's used but literally we are broke).
So here I am- it's been years of dreaming and suddenly it's all coming true. As of midnight tonight, I have an apartment. I have signed a lease for 1 year and therefore, not like I ever would leave, but am required to stay here and make a life. Joanna and I have pushed aside every worry and every bad thing people have told us and well stuck it to the man. We did it.
The universe, now more than ever, is unfolding. Maybe I need a job but tonight I'm focusing on all that I have. I have an amazingly supportive family who went out of their way to praise this accomplishment and even went out of their busy day to co-sign a lease so that his roadrunning daughter can start a new life. I have a best friend who put up with my worries and tears and reminded me that it would work out and friends who currently don't live here but have been in spirit this whole journey. I have a loving boy (ok fine he's a man) who has made me so beyond excited to take over the east coast and explore every inch of my new city with him even though he calls it his backyard. My dreams have literally come true. I may be 3,000 miles away from the west coast, from the familiarity and from the people I love more than humanely possible but in this new city, in a new room with no bed and ok I'm in a sleeping bag until I have enough money to buy a bed... I feel right where I should be and I wouldn't trade it for anything.
Friday, August 6, 2010
Heaps of Sunshine
2 months later it seems nearly everything has changed. Currently sitting on the top bunk with the sounds of ropes course and guitar lessons fluttering outside my cabin, I feel pretty distant from the last time I wrote. Throughout the summer there were moments I actually thought of this simple blog- I wanted to share the experience, describe everything I was seeing and essentially give you a taste of this place I’ve grown so attached to.
This summer has been so different from last that I’ve stopped comparing. My activities, the people, the feelings and more are as if I’m at a different camp altogether. I like it that way- it preserves what was last year and creates something completely new for this summer. Some memorable highlights have been working on the ropes course, becoming a sailing instructor, learning guitar, singing on stage and creating/writing the camp blog. It’s been a much more active summer filled with testing and challenging myself while getting that golden tan I dreamed about all winter.
I’ve gotten so close to all my friends here. I’ve adapted the Aussie lingo and know that I always have a place to stay in Scotland, England, Georgia or I’ll always have a traveling partner since everyone here is so ambitious and anxious to grab life’s next adventure.
I suppose the biggest change of the summer is my post camp plan. Clearly I have dreamed of living on the east coast, particularly NYC, for quite some time now. In high school, I covered my walls with images of Boston and applied to 9 colleges 3,000 miles away from the golden coast. When it came time to pick a college, I fell head over heels in love with Boulder and never looked back on my decision- I knew I would always move east afterward. When afterward became the present tense, I narrowed my mind to Boston or NYC. With my dear friend Hannah on my side, NYC won and thus began this long journey and plan to move to Brooklyn. When people kept trying to tear me down about NYC, I got defensive and it made me want to go even more. However, part of me always felt like I had left Boston out. Thus began a battle- was I allowed to change my mind? I’ve been telling everyone NYC for so long it just became the plan. Could I change the plan?
Boston came back into the picture when I realized I don’t want to jump right into the world. Here at camp I’m surrounded by adventurous, spontaneous young people who really live life by the edge. Some people are going to Canada to work or traveling Europe or working in ski resorts for the winter. No one has set plans forever- they are willing to change at any moment. They are taking advantage of this time in our lives- of being young and free. So why was I sitting there worried about starting a career and being a full blown adult? There is so much I still want to do- so many places I still want to travel and so much to experience while I’m just 22. I will still move to NYC. I will still take the subway to work, go on runs in Central Park and ice skate at Rockefeller Center for Christmas. I’m just putting that on pause and I can’t tell you how good it feels to know that it’s ok to admit that.
Taylor, Joanna and I have fully planned out our roadtrip. We are leaving August 24th from CA and plan on making it to Boston by August 30th. When we get to there, we are possibly staying with Joanna’s cousin or maybe a friend from college but we’ll be apartment hunting and starting to discovery this city I’ve dreamed of since 10th grade. There is so much unknown and so much to learn. There are so many opportunities just waiting for me to grab. I’ve begun the job hunt, had a phone interview and scored another one when I get to the city and most of all I’ve started taking all the weight I personally placed on my shoulders and starting breathing again. I’m not worried at all. So my plans have changed- I’m a roadrunner and filled with faith. I can’t wait to walk the cobble streets and embrace the history that sweeps throughout Boston. I can’t wait to roam the east coast for the season change and experience it all.
It will help that I have a friend returning with me to Boston. Not only are Taylor, Rebecca and Joanna sharing the same zipcode but someone who started as a camp friend and is now so much more will be returning to his home town. I’m used to the snickering by now and the questions of if I’m following him. Clearly I am not but having Kevin in Boston will be such a bonus. Not only does he know the city, the coast and more but I’m not ready to end this journey we’ve started together. Of course leave it up to me to find another fairytale romance but this one is something different. This one has left me without questions or worries. This one has shown me the good ones are worth the wait. Lucky for me we aren’t forced to say goodbye but rather hello to the new and exciting experiences that we can’t wait to start together.
This summer has been so different from last that I’ve stopped comparing. My activities, the people, the feelings and more are as if I’m at a different camp altogether. I like it that way- it preserves what was last year and creates something completely new for this summer. Some memorable highlights have been working on the ropes course, becoming a sailing instructor, learning guitar, singing on stage and creating/writing the camp blog. It’s been a much more active summer filled with testing and challenging myself while getting that golden tan I dreamed about all winter.
I’ve gotten so close to all my friends here. I’ve adapted the Aussie lingo and know that I always have a place to stay in Scotland, England, Georgia or I’ll always have a traveling partner since everyone here is so ambitious and anxious to grab life’s next adventure.
I suppose the biggest change of the summer is my post camp plan. Clearly I have dreamed of living on the east coast, particularly NYC, for quite some time now. In high school, I covered my walls with images of Boston and applied to 9 colleges 3,000 miles away from the golden coast. When it came time to pick a college, I fell head over heels in love with Boulder and never looked back on my decision- I knew I would always move east afterward. When afterward became the present tense, I narrowed my mind to Boston or NYC. With my dear friend Hannah on my side, NYC won and thus began this long journey and plan to move to Brooklyn. When people kept trying to tear me down about NYC, I got defensive and it made me want to go even more. However, part of me always felt like I had left Boston out. Thus began a battle- was I allowed to change my mind? I’ve been telling everyone NYC for so long it just became the plan. Could I change the plan?
Boston came back into the picture when I realized I don’t want to jump right into the world. Here at camp I’m surrounded by adventurous, spontaneous young people who really live life by the edge. Some people are going to Canada to work or traveling Europe or working in ski resorts for the winter. No one has set plans forever- they are willing to change at any moment. They are taking advantage of this time in our lives- of being young and free. So why was I sitting there worried about starting a career and being a full blown adult? There is so much I still want to do- so many places I still want to travel and so much to experience while I’m just 22. I will still move to NYC. I will still take the subway to work, go on runs in Central Park and ice skate at Rockefeller Center for Christmas. I’m just putting that on pause and I can’t tell you how good it feels to know that it’s ok to admit that.
Taylor, Joanna and I have fully planned out our roadtrip. We are leaving August 24th from CA and plan on making it to Boston by August 30th. When we get to there, we are possibly staying with Joanna’s cousin or maybe a friend from college but we’ll be apartment hunting and starting to discovery this city I’ve dreamed of since 10th grade. There is so much unknown and so much to learn. There are so many opportunities just waiting for me to grab. I’ve begun the job hunt, had a phone interview and scored another one when I get to the city and most of all I’ve started taking all the weight I personally placed on my shoulders and starting breathing again. I’m not worried at all. So my plans have changed- I’m a roadrunner and filled with faith. I can’t wait to walk the cobble streets and embrace the history that sweeps throughout Boston. I can’t wait to roam the east coast for the season change and experience it all.
It will help that I have a friend returning with me to Boston. Not only are Taylor, Rebecca and Joanna sharing the same zipcode but someone who started as a camp friend and is now so much more will be returning to his home town. I’m used to the snickering by now and the questions of if I’m following him. Clearly I am not but having Kevin in Boston will be such a bonus. Not only does he know the city, the coast and more but I’m not ready to end this journey we’ve started together. Of course leave it up to me to find another fairytale romance but this one is something different. This one has left me without questions or worries. This one has shown me the good ones are worth the wait. Lucky for me we aren’t forced to say goodbye but rather hello to the new and exciting experiences that we can’t wait to start together.
Sunday, May 30, 2010
Every New Beginning Comes From Some Other Beginning's End
4 state lines later, I am sitting in my parent’s house surrounded by boxes and memories. My clothes still smell like Boulder, my clock is still set on Boulder and yet here I am in a t-shirt from high school and on Pacific Coast Time.
I spent my last two days in Boulder breathing in every magical essence it has to offer. My birthday was one of a kind. With beaming sunshine of nearly 85*, we bathed in the front yard eating popsicles and brussel spouts (yes my new obsession). Margaritas at the Rio, cat nap in between and a birthday party that I’ll never forget wrapped up not only 21 years of life but the 4 years I spent in Boulder. Throughout the day, my friends went above and beyond with balloons, cake, VHS movies, no complaining when I demanded we go to the Walrus, infinite playlists of djs I’ll never know their true names and although the night left me in those tears of happiness, it was the perfect final act.
The 1,700 mile trip was sort of icing on the cake or the binding of the book. Jenna and I stopped at every state line to take jumping pictures, ate a classy meal at Dennys, hiked in Arches National Park and were nearly blown over by the extreme sand winds and stayed in Cedar Springs, Utah where the hot tub alone was worth the $60. It snowed during the night, it blazed heat in the day and of course we stopped in Barstow for In&Out. With a mix of 4 or 5 highways and interstates, we were suddenly at Jenna’s house and my co pilot retired. Dropping Jenna off left Franklin and me feeling empty (even though he was still packed with my crap) and already longing for our next reunion. It’s strange to spend every waking moment with someone (let me tell you- Jenna and I spend more time together than a part) and then suddenly be without them. It seems everything isn’t as funny and the skies aren’t as blue. (Plus singing Katy Perry’s newest hit isn’t as fun as a solo).
I ventured through LA traffic and stayed for 2 days with Keeley and Jeremy. Just another sweet glance at how true love exists when your heart lets another in and that this next phase in my life will be just as magical as the last.
Santa Barbara. My best friend Lexi resides right on the beach in an environment so similar to mine that it had me craving for Boulder and looking for familiar faces in the local bars. I had a blast with her friends, who so graciously treat me as if I were one of them, and the boys from high school are still the silly and give ridiculous advice but chant “Die-lawn” when I walk in the room. We made our annual “Dylan is Visiting: Trader Joe Dinner” and gossiped as if high school was yesterday.
SLO: Just an hour north to Cal Poly lives my other best friend Kari, or Mead as I like to call her. We used to email every single day during college. Over the past 4 years, we definitely stopped emailing daily and okay maybe it turned into bimonthly chats but even in that gap of time we have remained as close as ever. I’ve never seen her so happy and at ease with herself. Part of me feels sad that I didn’t get to be there when she transformed into this amazing, driven, confident woman but I know that she’s saved room for me in her future and the bond we created so long ago will last forever.
The four hour solo drive was rough. I was tired, felt dirty, restless and pissed about the CA law that prohibits cell phone use when driving. But when I drove over the Golden Gate and it was still 70* by dusk, I felt this journey form full circle. Franklin and I pulled into 9 Jeffrey and as I naturally took a deep breath, I could hear the final page turn.
Since being home, I have been unpacking, repacking, making piles for camp, NYC and the infamous “Why the hell did I bring this home” pile. (That pile has a one way ticket to the Goodwill). Taylor and I officially made the map for August- we’re stopping in cities as famous Indianapolis and as low key as Green River, WY. The 95 will swing us into Brooklyn and as we drew lines to mark miles, any worry I’ve had about this move was eased.
The unpacking and repacking has left me with 2 boxes and 3 suitcases. Amazing. One bag is camp stuff (I leave in a week!!!) and the others have NYC written across the top. This is the reality I can handle- this is the reality hit I’ve been waiting for.
It’s all changing. We’re all changing. Whether it’s Silas going to prom tonight and Oregon in the fall, Sarah and Derek getting engaged yesterday (ahhh first one!!), Keeley and Jeremy moving to the Bay Area, Rebecca becoming a RD, Taylor finally leaving the constricting CA lines or my parents taking an “empty nest” trip to Hawaii, we’re all doing it. Not to quote High School Musical but it’s true- we’re all in this together and not only does that ease the fear but it generates this extreme excitement that is engraved in a smile that just won’t go away :)
I spent my last two days in Boulder breathing in every magical essence it has to offer. My birthday was one of a kind. With beaming sunshine of nearly 85*, we bathed in the front yard eating popsicles and brussel spouts (yes my new obsession). Margaritas at the Rio, cat nap in between and a birthday party that I’ll never forget wrapped up not only 21 years of life but the 4 years I spent in Boulder. Throughout the day, my friends went above and beyond with balloons, cake, VHS movies, no complaining when I demanded we go to the Walrus, infinite playlists of djs I’ll never know their true names and although the night left me in those tears of happiness, it was the perfect final act.
The 1,700 mile trip was sort of icing on the cake or the binding of the book. Jenna and I stopped at every state line to take jumping pictures, ate a classy meal at Dennys, hiked in Arches National Park and were nearly blown over by the extreme sand winds and stayed in Cedar Springs, Utah where the hot tub alone was worth the $60. It snowed during the night, it blazed heat in the day and of course we stopped in Barstow for In&Out. With a mix of 4 or 5 highways and interstates, we were suddenly at Jenna’s house and my co pilot retired. Dropping Jenna off left Franklin and me feeling empty (even though he was still packed with my crap) and already longing for our next reunion. It’s strange to spend every waking moment with someone (let me tell you- Jenna and I spend more time together than a part) and then suddenly be without them. It seems everything isn’t as funny and the skies aren’t as blue. (Plus singing Katy Perry’s newest hit isn’t as fun as a solo).
I ventured through LA traffic and stayed for 2 days with Keeley and Jeremy. Just another sweet glance at how true love exists when your heart lets another in and that this next phase in my life will be just as magical as the last.
Santa Barbara. My best friend Lexi resides right on the beach in an environment so similar to mine that it had me craving for Boulder and looking for familiar faces in the local bars. I had a blast with her friends, who so graciously treat me as if I were one of them, and the boys from high school are still the silly and give ridiculous advice but chant “Die-lawn” when I walk in the room. We made our annual “Dylan is Visiting: Trader Joe Dinner” and gossiped as if high school was yesterday.
SLO: Just an hour north to Cal Poly lives my other best friend Kari, or Mead as I like to call her. We used to email every single day during college. Over the past 4 years, we definitely stopped emailing daily and okay maybe it turned into bimonthly chats but even in that gap of time we have remained as close as ever. I’ve never seen her so happy and at ease with herself. Part of me feels sad that I didn’t get to be there when she transformed into this amazing, driven, confident woman but I know that she’s saved room for me in her future and the bond we created so long ago will last forever.
The four hour solo drive was rough. I was tired, felt dirty, restless and pissed about the CA law that prohibits cell phone use when driving. But when I drove over the Golden Gate and it was still 70* by dusk, I felt this journey form full circle. Franklin and I pulled into 9 Jeffrey and as I naturally took a deep breath, I could hear the final page turn.
Since being home, I have been unpacking, repacking, making piles for camp, NYC and the infamous “Why the hell did I bring this home” pile. (That pile has a one way ticket to the Goodwill). Taylor and I officially made the map for August- we’re stopping in cities as famous Indianapolis and as low key as Green River, WY. The 95 will swing us into Brooklyn and as we drew lines to mark miles, any worry I’ve had about this move was eased.
The unpacking and repacking has left me with 2 boxes and 3 suitcases. Amazing. One bag is camp stuff (I leave in a week!!!) and the others have NYC written across the top. This is the reality I can handle- this is the reality hit I’ve been waiting for.
It’s all changing. We’re all changing. Whether it’s Silas going to prom tonight and Oregon in the fall, Sarah and Derek getting engaged yesterday (ahhh first one!!), Keeley and Jeremy moving to the Bay Area, Rebecca becoming a RD, Taylor finally leaving the constricting CA lines or my parents taking an “empty nest” trip to Hawaii, we’re all doing it. Not to quote High School Musical but it’s true- we’re all in this together and not only does that ease the fear but it generates this extreme excitement that is engraved in a smile that just won’t go away :)
Thursday, May 20, 2010
Taking The Long Way
It seems necessary to just spit out all my feelings and thoughts and hope that cohesion will naturally form.
Graduation: the ultimate dichotomy. There were tears and laughter, snow and sunshine, toasts and roasts, red wine and white and yet it now all lumps together into this final chapter. I wouldn't have gotten through it without my parents. Funny that here was some big entrance into the adult world and all I wanted was to hold my dad's hand.
Texas: Many of my friends left Boulder after graduation and since I'm awkward and hard with goodbyes, I sort of cheated and flew 1,000 miles south to San Antonio. I remember first learning the term "oasis" and rather than picturing the palm tree and watering hole in a blistering desert, I saw 400 Tapatio Drive West. Still today my oasis is a brown trimmed house with flocking deer in the open spaced backyard. I feel the air conditioning sending tingles down my spine when I enter the house (always through the garage)and are released from that Texas heat. My Noni and Papa are always sitting on the porch overlooking the golf course, a banana popsicle is waiting for me and the gin rummy tournament is about to start. Being in Texas, at my oasis, was just what I needed after the emotional and physical draining of finals and graduation. I needed the comfort food, the black and white movies, the porch talks, the scanning of old photos and being surrounded by complete unconditional love.
Summer: I forgot how fabulous Boulder summer is. Sitting on the porch steps reading the latest Jodi Picoult novel, lying out and tanning in minutes because being a mile closer to the sun really gets ya, playing frisbee in the street, all the neighbors congregating without planning and the afternoon BBQs that feed into warm, jacket-less nights. Everything is done without chaos and it seems there's not a worry in the world.
Reality: I am leaving Boulder on Saturday. I've been practicing sentences like this- the kind where it's the right thing to say but yet feels unnatural. I still get jumbled in my words- on a recent post-graduation/birthday shopping trip, the cashier asked me for my zip code and I responded with a lost puppy dog face, "uhhh umm" and finally said Boulder, 80302. But what happens after this weekend? I can't claim my zip code as Mountain Camp's, I don't know where in Brooklyn Joanna and I are moving and since I'm subleasing my room in Boulder I guess I give up that address too. Talk about feeling lost.
The Roadtrip: Surprise, surprise the roadrunner in me is not leaving Boulder without a fight. Jenna has so graciously offered to drive Franklin back to CA with me. With stops in Arches National Park, LA, Santa Barbara and Cal Poly, a trip that should take a day and a half is now taking me nearly a week. I think I am postponing the whole moving process by constantly being on the move. I will admit I'm stoked for the open road. Give me some Jackson Browne and Bruce Hornsby and I'll drive for days. However, the thought of getting on the road seems impossible. Part of me wants to escape in the middle of the night because I don't know if I can physically leave Boulder if the rear view mirror reveals sunshine and flashbacks to these fabulous 4 years. I might have to cheat again and roll up 36 before the sun can catch me.
Reality Part II: The goodbyes. I've been saying "see you soon" because goodbye is so permanent. However, I said my first real goodbye last night when I left Amber, the 8 year old I've been nannying this entire school year. Somewhere between packing lunches, creating art projects, listening to the recent 2nd grade drama and chatting with moms at the playground, Amber became a big part of my life. I was with her 4-5 days a week, we ate most our meals together, she met my friends and she became my companion. Leaving her behind just didn't seem right. Leaving all the people who have meant so much to me just doesn't seem right either.
So here we are. Reality is hitting and now that I've gotten comfortable with that fact I have to know it's okay to hurt. My parents nicely reminded me that it's okay to cry. I've been trying to be tough, trying to optimistic and trying to soak in each moment here without tears. But I've realized they are tears filled of happiness and gratitude. If leaving Boulder was easy, then my time here wouldn't be valued. These aching emotions are here for a reason. Leaving Boulder is hard because this bubble, this alter reality filled with friends, memories and no regrets, is forever a part of me. And thankfully that is something that no graduation, roadtrip or cross country move will change.
Graduation: the ultimate dichotomy. There were tears and laughter, snow and sunshine, toasts and roasts, red wine and white and yet it now all lumps together into this final chapter. I wouldn't have gotten through it without my parents. Funny that here was some big entrance into the adult world and all I wanted was to hold my dad's hand.
Texas: Many of my friends left Boulder after graduation and since I'm awkward and hard with goodbyes, I sort of cheated and flew 1,000 miles south to San Antonio. I remember first learning the term "oasis" and rather than picturing the palm tree and watering hole in a blistering desert, I saw 400 Tapatio Drive West. Still today my oasis is a brown trimmed house with flocking deer in the open spaced backyard. I feel the air conditioning sending tingles down my spine when I enter the house (always through the garage)and are released from that Texas heat. My Noni and Papa are always sitting on the porch overlooking the golf course, a banana popsicle is waiting for me and the gin rummy tournament is about to start. Being in Texas, at my oasis, was just what I needed after the emotional and physical draining of finals and graduation. I needed the comfort food, the black and white movies, the porch talks, the scanning of old photos and being surrounded by complete unconditional love.
Summer: I forgot how fabulous Boulder summer is. Sitting on the porch steps reading the latest Jodi Picoult novel, lying out and tanning in minutes because being a mile closer to the sun really gets ya, playing frisbee in the street, all the neighbors congregating without planning and the afternoon BBQs that feed into warm, jacket-less nights. Everything is done without chaos and it seems there's not a worry in the world.
Reality: I am leaving Boulder on Saturday. I've been practicing sentences like this- the kind where it's the right thing to say but yet feels unnatural. I still get jumbled in my words- on a recent post-graduation/birthday shopping trip, the cashier asked me for my zip code and I responded with a lost puppy dog face, "uhhh umm" and finally said Boulder, 80302. But what happens after this weekend? I can't claim my zip code as Mountain Camp's, I don't know where in Brooklyn Joanna and I are moving and since I'm subleasing my room in Boulder I guess I give up that address too. Talk about feeling lost.
The Roadtrip: Surprise, surprise the roadrunner in me is not leaving Boulder without a fight. Jenna has so graciously offered to drive Franklin back to CA with me. With stops in Arches National Park, LA, Santa Barbara and Cal Poly, a trip that should take a day and a half is now taking me nearly a week. I think I am postponing the whole moving process by constantly being on the move. I will admit I'm stoked for the open road. Give me some Jackson Browne and Bruce Hornsby and I'll drive for days. However, the thought of getting on the road seems impossible. Part of me wants to escape in the middle of the night because I don't know if I can physically leave Boulder if the rear view mirror reveals sunshine and flashbacks to these fabulous 4 years. I might have to cheat again and roll up 36 before the sun can catch me.
Reality Part II: The goodbyes. I've been saying "see you soon" because goodbye is so permanent. However, I said my first real goodbye last night when I left Amber, the 8 year old I've been nannying this entire school year. Somewhere between packing lunches, creating art projects, listening to the recent 2nd grade drama and chatting with moms at the playground, Amber became a big part of my life. I was with her 4-5 days a week, we ate most our meals together, she met my friends and she became my companion. Leaving her behind just didn't seem right. Leaving all the people who have meant so much to me just doesn't seem right either.
So here we are. Reality is hitting and now that I've gotten comfortable with that fact I have to know it's okay to hurt. My parents nicely reminded me that it's okay to cry. I've been trying to be tough, trying to optimistic and trying to soak in each moment here without tears. But I've realized they are tears filled of happiness and gratitude. If leaving Boulder was easy, then my time here wouldn't be valued. These aching emotions are here for a reason. Leaving Boulder is hard because this bubble, this alter reality filled with friends, memories and no regrets, is forever a part of me. And thankfully that is something that no graduation, roadtrip or cross country move will change.
Monday, April 26, 2010
Inevitable
I feel very fortunate that the universe is unfolding, no doubt, as it should. Call me greedy or bratty but I feel like I have it all. I literally see happiness in every direction. So is it possible to mourn over something you haven't lost yet? I am constantly filled with joy yet these days my eyes are constantly filled with tears. This chapter of my life is about to conclude and there is no way to stop it.
What makes this so hard is that I realize everything. I know this is part of life, I know I can't stay in Boulder forever, I know that every year thousands of people graduate and take the next step, I know that my close friends and I will always be there for each other, I know that this summer will be phenomenal, I know that NYC holds an unimaginable bright future and I know that these 4 years in Boulder will never be taken away from me- they have made me who I am.
So that's what makes it unbearable. There is no cure, there are no words- it's just something that has to happen. And it will happen. It is happening.
I don't understand how it went so fast. Especially recently- it's like I can feel every hour passing. Days used to feel long, lectures used to feel endless and suddenly they are snapshots in time. It feels like I woke up one day and everything was different. I still think one day I will return to Jeffrey court, my parents, all my siblings and I will sleep under one roof, and life will be what is used to. And I think Boulder will always exist in my mind as it is right now. Where I know everyone and every inch of campus has a memory attached to it.
The idea of starting over aches. Clearly no one is getting replaced but rather being added to my great life. I know there are still so many more fabulous, enriching people to meet but I don't want to leave my friends here. I know there are more overly romantic, breath-taking moments with unknown boyfriends but I like the unnecessarily-complicated relationship I'm in.
So here's that battle- the bittersweet. Everything in my life is good at this exact moment and everything coming will be good too. But how do you make the transition?
What makes this so hard is that I realize everything. I know this is part of life, I know I can't stay in Boulder forever, I know that every year thousands of people graduate and take the next step, I know that my close friends and I will always be there for each other, I know that this summer will be phenomenal, I know that NYC holds an unimaginable bright future and I know that these 4 years in Boulder will never be taken away from me- they have made me who I am.
So that's what makes it unbearable. There is no cure, there are no words- it's just something that has to happen. And it will happen. It is happening.
I don't understand how it went so fast. Especially recently- it's like I can feel every hour passing. Days used to feel long, lectures used to feel endless and suddenly they are snapshots in time. It feels like I woke up one day and everything was different. I still think one day I will return to Jeffrey court, my parents, all my siblings and I will sleep under one roof, and life will be what is used to. And I think Boulder will always exist in my mind as it is right now. Where I know everyone and every inch of campus has a memory attached to it.
The idea of starting over aches. Clearly no one is getting replaced but rather being added to my great life. I know there are still so many more fabulous, enriching people to meet but I don't want to leave my friends here. I know there are more overly romantic, breath-taking moments with unknown boyfriends but I like the unnecessarily-complicated relationship I'm in.
So here's that battle- the bittersweet. Everything in my life is good at this exact moment and everything coming will be good too. But how do you make the transition?
Wednesday, March 31, 2010
New York, New York The City's So Nice They Named It Twice
Spring break was, in the words of Carrie Bradshaw, fabulous, just fabulous. From the east coast to the west, I enjoyed sunshine, coffee shops, good meals, good people and a reminder that my family, as it extends and the barriers are thin, is a group of people that are truly amazing.
Rather than painting a picture of the NYC sights that not only secured my dream to move there but enhanced my extreme fascination with the city, I think I'll highlight the moments that aren't found in your Lonely Planet travel books.
- Day 3 in Manhattan: Rain puddles yet enjoyable temperatures started my first day as a lone traveler. I'll admit I feared this day- the day where Hannah was gone and my expertise guide Jhani was at school. I had to put on my confident face and take on New York. (Lesson one: always bring your i-pod on the subway if traveling alone. As much of a norm as staring has become on public transportation, it's easier to secretly gaze when you have Passion Pit in your ears.) Mid afternoon, I arrived downtown, 48th street, and headed straight to Bryant Park. Much needed espresso and I was suddenly in deep conversation with my journal. When the wet seats soaked into my jeans, I headed up one block to the heavenly, magical New York Public Library. Before I entered the drop dead gorgeous monument, a stranger approached me. He talked fast (his first New Yorker trait) and was going on about directions to a near by shop. The confusion lay straight on my face- what was this man talking about? Finally he slowed down... "wait, do you not live here?" I smiled and told him “no, not yet” and then headed up the stairs, past the Lion statues and into the literary castle. Before I could catch my breath I realized I, a native Northern Californian who barely can spell the names of big cities, was mistaken as a New Yorker. The dream was one step closer.
- The Subway: In general, this was something I actually got used to. The hustle and bustle is some what comforting. The people entering and exiting the subways could be some of the greatest characters in the city. I wanted to ask hundreds of questions- what was that man doing with 5 multi-colored hula-hoops? How did the hipster couple cuddling in their flannel meet? How did that bicycle fit through the restricting entry gates that even my suitcase felt claustrophobic being lugged through? How can this city be lonely when there are so many stories being told?
- Washington Square Park: New York City may not have a beach but those who gather in the square seem to not let that hinder a Sunday afternoon. Lounge chairs, bucket hats, live music, struggling comedians, drinks and sunshine were all in clear view. We parked it in the grass, stretched out our sore legs and developed a nice base tan. Who says you need water for the relaxing, at home beach scene?
- Brooklyn: If you want my address for the fall, all I can tell you is Brooklyn, New York. I once read that Brooklyn is one of Manhattan’s 3 ugly step sisters and I can’t tell you how wrong that Upper East Side writer is. First off there are no such things as ugly sisters and Brooklyn is far from being associated with Queens and the Bronx (the other sisters). Brooklyn is full of bicycles, flannel, coffee, live music, starving artists and a bunch of 20-somethings trying to make it in the world. If you know me then you are aware of my coffee addiction, the overflow of flannel in my closet and my dream to write. I may be afraid of bicycles and the only non-musically talented person in my family but hey I fit the other criteria.
Overall, New York was an amazing experience. I can’t wait to go back, to move in and let the city overtake me. Flying home was also such a treat- actually it was my favorite visit home. Laid by the penguin pool, hung out with my dad, cooked a delicious meal with the family and got to see my two best friends in CA. I’m not sure if it gets any better.
5 weeks left. The excitement for the future is over consuming the fear of graduation. And that’s the way it should be.
Rather than painting a picture of the NYC sights that not only secured my dream to move there but enhanced my extreme fascination with the city, I think I'll highlight the moments that aren't found in your Lonely Planet travel books.
- Day 3 in Manhattan: Rain puddles yet enjoyable temperatures started my first day as a lone traveler. I'll admit I feared this day- the day where Hannah was gone and my expertise guide Jhani was at school. I had to put on my confident face and take on New York. (Lesson one: always bring your i-pod on the subway if traveling alone. As much of a norm as staring has become on public transportation, it's easier to secretly gaze when you have Passion Pit in your ears.) Mid afternoon, I arrived downtown, 48th street, and headed straight to Bryant Park. Much needed espresso and I was suddenly in deep conversation with my journal. When the wet seats soaked into my jeans, I headed up one block to the heavenly, magical New York Public Library. Before I entered the drop dead gorgeous monument, a stranger approached me. He talked fast (his first New Yorker trait) and was going on about directions to a near by shop. The confusion lay straight on my face- what was this man talking about? Finally he slowed down... "wait, do you not live here?" I smiled and told him “no, not yet” and then headed up the stairs, past the Lion statues and into the literary castle. Before I could catch my breath I realized I, a native Northern Californian who barely can spell the names of big cities, was mistaken as a New Yorker. The dream was one step closer.
- The Subway: In general, this was something I actually got used to. The hustle and bustle is some what comforting. The people entering and exiting the subways could be some of the greatest characters in the city. I wanted to ask hundreds of questions- what was that man doing with 5 multi-colored hula-hoops? How did the hipster couple cuddling in their flannel meet? How did that bicycle fit through the restricting entry gates that even my suitcase felt claustrophobic being lugged through? How can this city be lonely when there are so many stories being told?
- Washington Square Park: New York City may not have a beach but those who gather in the square seem to not let that hinder a Sunday afternoon. Lounge chairs, bucket hats, live music, struggling comedians, drinks and sunshine were all in clear view. We parked it in the grass, stretched out our sore legs and developed a nice base tan. Who says you need water for the relaxing, at home beach scene?
- Brooklyn: If you want my address for the fall, all I can tell you is Brooklyn, New York. I once read that Brooklyn is one of Manhattan’s 3 ugly step sisters and I can’t tell you how wrong that Upper East Side writer is. First off there are no such things as ugly sisters and Brooklyn is far from being associated with Queens and the Bronx (the other sisters). Brooklyn is full of bicycles, flannel, coffee, live music, starving artists and a bunch of 20-somethings trying to make it in the world. If you know me then you are aware of my coffee addiction, the overflow of flannel in my closet and my dream to write. I may be afraid of bicycles and the only non-musically talented person in my family but hey I fit the other criteria.
Overall, New York was an amazing experience. I can’t wait to go back, to move in and let the city overtake me. Flying home was also such a treat- actually it was my favorite visit home. Laid by the penguin pool, hung out with my dad, cooked a delicious meal with the family and got to see my two best friends in CA. I’m not sure if it gets any better.
5 weeks left. The excitement for the future is over consuming the fear of graduation. And that’s the way it should be.
Sunday, March 14, 2010
Brothers in Boulder
Spring is starting to bloom. It was a beautiful weekend in Boulder filled with sunshine, jean shorts, a sunglass tan and vagabonds traveling east. My older brother Taylor and his band Weekend are on their first tour. Traveling from Santa Cruz to the midwest and ending at the 'South by Southwest' festival in Austin, Denver was just a 48 hour stop.
Friday night, after basking in the sun and nannying, I picked the boys up and brought them into the Boulder bubble. With a standard trip the Walrus and a ride on the drunk bus, Taylor, Shaun and Kevin saw an insight to a typical night of debauchery. The bars closed before our adrenaline rush ceased so we returned home for dance parties; hours later we all fell asleep in my room, scattered across the floor in sleeping bags, as Serendipity reeled from the VHS player. When we woke up, the sun was beaming and the Rio rooftop and their strawberry margaritas were calling our name. The boys were shocked at our neighbors 'frattin' with their shirts off and throwing around the football. I guess somethings become so typical but to an outsider, Boulder was existing in its own reality.
We drove into Denver as the sun was setting on paradise. The rest of the bands Weekend is on tour with were recording and jamming when we got to the house. Suddenly I was out of my element. Coming from the familiar with sunshine and confidence, I was suddenly the odd man out. I felt like a poser in my Chuck Taylors, I couldn't help move any of the equipment because there were a thousand chords and being the only girl in a group of 15 rockstars, I was by far the weakest member and in no shape to haul around speakers. As time passed, the bands began to pump themselves up; they piled into the tour bus but Taylor and I drove separately to the venue. He clearly knew I was struggling and it didn't stop there. Entering the half art gallery half cement stage, I stood out worse than I thought. After sound checks and the opening band, I chickened out. I drove off and returned to the land of Boulder.
The more I thought about it I realized how much I idolize Taylor. Hours before he had entered Boulder not knowing what to expect. Driving cross country, in a tour bus, surrounded by the unknown and living off peanut butter sandwiches, he was ready for anything. He ventured to the Walrus and even though it scared him- he stayed. He soaked it all in and didn't run the other way. He poked fun at the social life but embraced it. Fast forward and we switch roles. I'm suddenly the scared one and what do I do... I run. I guess I've become so comfortable here- it's the familiar and the predictability provides comfort.
I have always seen Taylor as a role model. Whether it's his complete unique style, personality, or willingness to give everyone the benefit of the doubt, Taylor really lives life. He's not afraid to try anything and takes whatever comes his way.
To bring it full circle, I've started accepting that I will be leaving Boulder relatively soon. I will be breaking the comfort barrier and traveling into the unknown. I've said before to not be afraid and all I can do is try. I leave for my spring break in NYC this Friday and maybe this weekend with Taylor was just what I needed. I needed to see that my Boulder life won't last forever and it will take time but I will adjust to a new environment. Thankfully I have my big brother to guide me this way.
Friday night, after basking in the sun and nannying, I picked the boys up and brought them into the Boulder bubble. With a standard trip the Walrus and a ride on the drunk bus, Taylor, Shaun and Kevin saw an insight to a typical night of debauchery. The bars closed before our adrenaline rush ceased so we returned home for dance parties; hours later we all fell asleep in my room, scattered across the floor in sleeping bags, as Serendipity reeled from the VHS player. When we woke up, the sun was beaming and the Rio rooftop and their strawberry margaritas were calling our name. The boys were shocked at our neighbors 'frattin' with their shirts off and throwing around the football. I guess somethings become so typical but to an outsider, Boulder was existing in its own reality.
We drove into Denver as the sun was setting on paradise. The rest of the bands Weekend is on tour with were recording and jamming when we got to the house. Suddenly I was out of my element. Coming from the familiar with sunshine and confidence, I was suddenly the odd man out. I felt like a poser in my Chuck Taylors, I couldn't help move any of the equipment because there were a thousand chords and being the only girl in a group of 15 rockstars, I was by far the weakest member and in no shape to haul around speakers. As time passed, the bands began to pump themselves up; they piled into the tour bus but Taylor and I drove separately to the venue. He clearly knew I was struggling and it didn't stop there. Entering the half art gallery half cement stage, I stood out worse than I thought. After sound checks and the opening band, I chickened out. I drove off and returned to the land of Boulder.
The more I thought about it I realized how much I idolize Taylor. Hours before he had entered Boulder not knowing what to expect. Driving cross country, in a tour bus, surrounded by the unknown and living off peanut butter sandwiches, he was ready for anything. He ventured to the Walrus and even though it scared him- he stayed. He soaked it all in and didn't run the other way. He poked fun at the social life but embraced it. Fast forward and we switch roles. I'm suddenly the scared one and what do I do... I run. I guess I've become so comfortable here- it's the familiar and the predictability provides comfort.
I have always seen Taylor as a role model. Whether it's his complete unique style, personality, or willingness to give everyone the benefit of the doubt, Taylor really lives life. He's not afraid to try anything and takes whatever comes his way.
To bring it full circle, I've started accepting that I will be leaving Boulder relatively soon. I will be breaking the comfort barrier and traveling into the unknown. I've said before to not be afraid and all I can do is try. I leave for my spring break in NYC this Friday and maybe this weekend with Taylor was just what I needed. I needed to see that my Boulder life won't last forever and it will take time but I will adjust to a new environment. Thankfully I have my big brother to guide me this way.
Tuesday, February 9, 2010
Standing Up For Cupid
Valentine's Day is creeping around the corner. Please don't moan or gasp- this is actually an exciting holiday to celebrate. Whoever said it's about showing your significant other how much you love them didn't get the whole story straight. It's actually about showing your love to everyone in your life.
This is actually my 2nd favorite holiday (sorry Cupid- Santa wins). I love the idea that there is a whole day devoted to love. Devoted to sharing your compassion and feelings for others. Isn't this what we need more of in the world? I love conversation hearts, red and pink flowers, cheesy one-liners on halmark cards and the sudden leap of faith everyone takes on this one special day. For this one day, you can confess and blame it on some little guy's arrow.
I remember sending Valentine's in elementary school. I'd buy the box of Disney princess cards and save one special type for the one special boy in my class. He never knew I singled him out but it still gave me butterflies when I watched him open the heart-shaped envelope.
I'm not gonna lie- the romantic, heart-bursting, o-m-g he asked me to be his Valentine is definitely a way to spend the day. Out of my 21 years, I've only had one of those days. But the other 20 were just as fabulous. I felt just as loved and just as lucky to be surrounded by such fun, loving people in my life. This holiday gets quite the bashing but if you change your perspective you'll change your attitude and I can almost promise you'll have an amazing, new outlook on this special day.
And if that doesn't work- it's my little brother's birthday (yes- valentinO/valentinE- he's a baby cupid) and know that regardless if you have a dinner date for two, there are people out there who love you the other 364 days of the year.
This is actually my 2nd favorite holiday (sorry Cupid- Santa wins). I love the idea that there is a whole day devoted to love. Devoted to sharing your compassion and feelings for others. Isn't this what we need more of in the world? I love conversation hearts, red and pink flowers, cheesy one-liners on halmark cards and the sudden leap of faith everyone takes on this one special day. For this one day, you can confess and blame it on some little guy's arrow.
I remember sending Valentine's in elementary school. I'd buy the box of Disney princess cards and save one special type for the one special boy in my class. He never knew I singled him out but it still gave me butterflies when I watched him open the heart-shaped envelope.
I'm not gonna lie- the romantic, heart-bursting, o-m-g he asked me to be his Valentine is definitely a way to spend the day. Out of my 21 years, I've only had one of those days. But the other 20 were just as fabulous. I felt just as loved and just as lucky to be surrounded by such fun, loving people in my life. This holiday gets quite the bashing but if you change your perspective you'll change your attitude and I can almost promise you'll have an amazing, new outlook on this special day.
And if that doesn't work- it's my little brother's birthday (yes- valentinO/valentinE- he's a baby cupid) and know that regardless if you have a dinner date for two, there are people out there who love you the other 364 days of the year.
Sunday, January 24, 2010
Curiosity Never Killed A Cat
A year ago this blog took off full speed. The inspiration and dream to pursue a career in writing was reborn and ever since then I've had this calming feeling that everything is going to be alright. However, recently I've been overcome with fear. What once seemed like a near future that would never come has turned into a reality in clear view.
Ever since we were toddlers we're asked what we want to be when we grow up- it inspires us, stirs our imagination and creates dreams we grow from. But now the question isn't what I want to be when I grow up- it's what are you doing in 4 months? Fortunately this newly installed fear was evicted late last night while I was stumbling (a fabulous online distraction if you are ever looking for one...) An image appeared- simple, no tag to some flashy website, that revealed painted words on a city street...
"Replace the fear of the unknown with curiosity"
I was reminded that fear is only in our minds and it's up to us to shape and construct our lives. Fear can't be a reason to not get up in the morning. I'll be honest I'm fearful of a lot right now- not just moving across the country and starting a new chapter of life but of almost everything. But that can't be a way to live. I'd rather say I'm curious about everything- I want to explore all the exciting, upcoming life changes and not have this dark, fear cloud hovering.
It's something so simple. I'm constantly reminded by myself, inspirational quotes, my family and friends that life is what you make it. So I'm making my life a discovery filled with curiosity. No fear- just wonder.
Ever since we were toddlers we're asked what we want to be when we grow up- it inspires us, stirs our imagination and creates dreams we grow from. But now the question isn't what I want to be when I grow up- it's what are you doing in 4 months? Fortunately this newly installed fear was evicted late last night while I was stumbling (a fabulous online distraction if you are ever looking for one...) An image appeared- simple, no tag to some flashy website, that revealed painted words on a city street...
"Replace the fear of the unknown with curiosity"
I was reminded that fear is only in our minds and it's up to us to shape and construct our lives. Fear can't be a reason to not get up in the morning. I'll be honest I'm fearful of a lot right now- not just moving across the country and starting a new chapter of life but of almost everything. But that can't be a way to live. I'd rather say I'm curious about everything- I want to explore all the exciting, upcoming life changes and not have this dark, fear cloud hovering.
It's something so simple. I'm constantly reminded by myself, inspirational quotes, my family and friends that life is what you make it. So I'm making my life a discovery filled with curiosity. No fear- just wonder.
Saturday, January 9, 2010
So This Is The New Year
Yes just like everyone else I cannot believe it's 2010- we're in a new decade, it's January and we just completed the first week out of 52. However, before forecasting this new year, I suppose it's standard to reflect on the past...
2009 was nothing short of being absolutely fabulous. A year ago I was packing my bag (yes I took one) for Semester At Sea and crazy enough it feels like yesterday. I remember every step of the way and would do anything to go back and live it again. Fortunately the magic didn't end when I disembarked in May- I spent a month at home trying to fathom the experience and then began my amazing summer at camp. Of course that feels like yesterday too- maybe it's because I still talk to my camp friends as if they're just a cabin away and because we make such efforts to see each other. Fall brought my senior year of college and a glance at the 'real world' that is coming soon. Winter brought many blasts from the pasts that reminded me of this journey I've started and how blessed I am to have my support group always at the stern.
And so now, present day, I'm trying to take it all in. I keep telling people I must sound old because time is going by so fast and my perception of time in alternating. I don't want to be one of those people that dwell in the past- that's always talking about how great it was and that "seriously it feels like yesterday." I keep having these moments and I keep saying that phrase but honestly because I don't know what else to say.
Many of my friends are freaking out about graduating- normal for anyone in our current stage. I'm trying to just breathe because I've realized this is something you can't fight. It will happen and the future will be great. That's about the only thing I'm 100% positive of.
I'm such a planner so naturally I have a small, faint road map of the year. I plan on having the most amazing, adventurous, spontaneous, fun last semester of college. Everything from soaking in all of Boulder's wonder to attending every session of class because at this point, I plan on these last 4 months to be it forever. (Which obviously is a scary thought since school is all I've known since... forever). I plan on spending May in Boulder then driving east and leaving the flatirons behind, working at camp and saving every penny so that in the first/second week of September... I can move to New York City. Honestly at this point, my map ends and that's how I want it. I'd rather leave that image in my head untouched.
It's going to be an exciting year filled with happiness, growth and I suppose everything in between. I sort of see all my years like that- I couldn't ever imagine saying a whole year sucked and needing a new one for a fresh start. Rather I reflect and without a doubt the positive moments are what shine. That's why I know that everything is going to be okay. The universe is going to unfold just as it should. May this faith and belief somehow calm your thoughts for the new year.
2009 was nothing short of being absolutely fabulous. A year ago I was packing my bag (yes I took one) for Semester At Sea and crazy enough it feels like yesterday. I remember every step of the way and would do anything to go back and live it again. Fortunately the magic didn't end when I disembarked in May- I spent a month at home trying to fathom the experience and then began my amazing summer at camp. Of course that feels like yesterday too- maybe it's because I still talk to my camp friends as if they're just a cabin away and because we make such efforts to see each other. Fall brought my senior year of college and a glance at the 'real world' that is coming soon. Winter brought many blasts from the pasts that reminded me of this journey I've started and how blessed I am to have my support group always at the stern.
And so now, present day, I'm trying to take it all in. I keep telling people I must sound old because time is going by so fast and my perception of time in alternating. I don't want to be one of those people that dwell in the past- that's always talking about how great it was and that "seriously it feels like yesterday." I keep having these moments and I keep saying that phrase but honestly because I don't know what else to say.
Many of my friends are freaking out about graduating- normal for anyone in our current stage. I'm trying to just breathe because I've realized this is something you can't fight. It will happen and the future will be great. That's about the only thing I'm 100% positive of.
I'm such a planner so naturally I have a small, faint road map of the year. I plan on having the most amazing, adventurous, spontaneous, fun last semester of college. Everything from soaking in all of Boulder's wonder to attending every session of class because at this point, I plan on these last 4 months to be it forever. (Which obviously is a scary thought since school is all I've known since... forever). I plan on spending May in Boulder then driving east and leaving the flatirons behind, working at camp and saving every penny so that in the first/second week of September... I can move to New York City. Honestly at this point, my map ends and that's how I want it. I'd rather leave that image in my head untouched.
It's going to be an exciting year filled with happiness, growth and I suppose everything in between. I sort of see all my years like that- I couldn't ever imagine saying a whole year sucked and needing a new one for a fresh start. Rather I reflect and without a doubt the positive moments are what shine. That's why I know that everything is going to be okay. The universe is going to unfold just as it should. May this faith and belief somehow calm your thoughts for the new year.
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