Change In Attitudes

As much as things are back to normal, they are quickly about to change. Change seems to be the theme of this year- whether it's political, emotional, physical or mental everything around me seems to be changing.

Just as my waves of depression were crashing, Heidi took a surprise visit to San Francisco and lifted my spirits right up. It had been nearly a week and a half but it felt like forever since we had been sitting in 4164 sailing the open waters. Showing Heidi around was just what I needed. We took my favorite walk around town, played in the fog and sand at Stinson, drank hot espresso in Sausilito and had those hour long chats where by the end, the only remaining feeling is happiness. After introducing Heidi to the fam and my life here, it showed me that SAS is real. The friendships, the memories, the relationships- they are all alive and will remain apart of me.

Turning 21 was quite the change as well. I used to think 21 just meant you could legally party- little did I know, at the stroke of midnight it's like you've been given a permanent invitation to the adult table. It was the first birthday ever where when someone asked, "do you feel any older" I actually did.

Right after my birthday, I faced the biggest challenge of all: 39 hours of lifeguard certification. I must say I had been dreading this since... January when I knew I needed to take the class. I was scared of everything- getting in the water, failing, not knowing anyone or anything and being expected to make judgments to save someone's life. On the first day of class, I actually sat in the parking lot and had to convince myself to go. After taking a deep breath, I entered into Mill Valley Community Center and found the meeting room. Inside were twenty 15-17 year olds and now more than ever, I felt out of place and ridiculously old. We started off with the pre-req exam- something I had actually been practicing for the last week: 300 yards of freestyle and breaststroke and diving down to get a 10 lb. brick and carrying it 50 yards. Of course to anyone who can swim, this sounds relatively easy but I once taught myself to swim in our Bakersfield pool and never took lessons.

Against all odds, I passed and we began the actual course. The next 3 days were 8am-8pm of watching cheesy videos, reading textbooks, diving, holding my breathe for longer than I knew was possible, pretend rescues and surprisingly having an amazing weekend. I got to know some of the kids- they filled me in on the high school gossip and how they can't wait to get their license. They were dying to know any secrets I had about college and if I could pretty please just tell them what it's like to be in the Greek system. Simultaneously I was getting to know my lifeguard instructors who happened to be my age. They were two cute guys who basically were paid to babysit all weekend since let's be honest- 80% of the class didn't pay attention. By the end of the grueling 39 hours, I had made new friends, been offered a job at the MVCC pool (biggest shock of them all), passed with flying colors and even tested out of a section, faced all my aquatic fears, and was extended an invitation to hang out with the instructors after class.

It's these situations I have to remember- I always set it up in my head as something scary- facing challenges are horrifying but time after time I leave and come out having an amazing time. The time flew by, I learned more than I thought possible, made new friends and for a second it was fun to relive moments of high school. It was a good practice for my upcoming adventure at Mt. Camp where I literally know no one and will be living with them for 9 weeks.

The important thing I realized is my fear doesn't hold me back. Even though I sat in the car debating whether to actually go into the class, I knew I would. Even when there is a large obstructing task in front of me, I know I will conquer it and fortunately, when I get to the other side, I've gained far beyond what I started with.

How To Deal

“Well, I'm gonna get out of bed every morning...breathe in and out all day long. Then, after a while I won't have to remind myself to get out of bed every morning and breathe in and out....and, then after a while, I won't have to think about how great and perfect I had it once” Sleepless in Seattle

Everything is different and it’s only been a week. I have successfully slept through one night while the others I stay up late living through pictures, journal entries or night chats with fellow shipmates who have suddenly become nocturnal as well. I have never felt like this. Part of me feels like I am in a dream; an alter universe. It doesn’t seem real when I tell people “I circumnavigated the globe” or “I went around the world” because most people (sometimes even I) can’t fathom the idea.

Everyone has been so supportive. Thank you to those who have listened to me, who have cared and who continue to remind me that this journey did occur and it is simply the beginning. My parents have been ridiculously accommodating and helpful but I guess that's another part of growing up- they are treating me as an equal and the leash they once held must have been severed somewhere along the ride.

For the first time in my life, I feel older. Being in Novato, feels like I’m visiting- even being in my parent’s house feels like I’m at my grandparents or somewhere I can call home but not necessarily my own. That in itself is scary.

I’m finding comfort in others who have traveled, returned and felt completely lost but then wrote about it. My second day here started off at the library- surrounded myself with inspiration and wisdom while finding complete self help in the travel section. It’s a slow process- filtering through all the emotions and at times I’m a wreck. My mood changes by the hour. One moment I’m full of energy, ready to take on the next adventure, eager for Mt. Camp and happy to be here. The next I’m crying and questioning why I’m even here and if there is anything greater than what I just experienced. I’m missing people and the life I created- the life at sea I so easily called mine because it fit perfectly.

Fortunately, I’m often in the happy mood. I really am thrilled for the next chapter of my life. I’m looking forward to being here with my family, turning 21 in San Francisco next week, attempting to become life guard certified, moving to Lake Tahoe and working at Mt. Camp and then starting yet another chapter of my life for my final year in Boulder (which might be the scariest realization of them all...)

Facebook and the modern world have made it rather easy to keep in contact with people. Every time someone posts pictures online I get the rush of excitement and take a long, whole hearted stroll down memory lane. As close as it makes everyone seem, the people I miss the most feel the farthest away. While driving up on the 101 yesterday, I thought what if I kept going? Washington is just north and I could be there by sundown. Unfortunately I settled for a phone call but oh how the temptation is there...

Guatemala- We've Only Just Begun

We were told Guatemala was going to be ridiculously dangerous. Be on the lookout for pickpockets, robberies, hold ups with guns, murders, etc. Your guard needed to be up 24/7 and you needed to make curfew by 11pm every night. Guatemala may be violent and have high crime but it was my favorite port-the most life changing one and the perfect way to conclude this voyage.

Heidi, Peter and I packed lightly and headed off into Puerto Quetzal just before 10:30am. We shared a van taxi with four other LLCs (basically RAs onboard) and took a 2 hour ride deep into Guatemala heading for Lake Atitlan. With nearly 20km left to go, our car broke down outside a Shell station. Locals were quick to help and diagnose the issue- I practiced my espanol skills and translated that something was broken but we could still continue driving. 10 minutes later the car broke down again and this time we pulled off the road behind another truck that was having trouble. The driver of the other car held a large machete but offered to set it down as he scoped out the engine. A police truck drove by, pulled off and offered us protection with their massive AK guns. We remained calm, produced positive thoughts and tried to understand as much Spanish as we could. The car was momentarily fixed but after moving a few yards, it died yet again. The police offered to drive us the rest of the way. Heidi, Ben, Nathan and I sat in the back while Peter, Nicole and Sarah climbed in the cab with the police. Fortunately sitting in the back gave us a nice tour of central Guatemala- filled with lush green vegetation and soil perfect for crops. We reached the small town of San Pedro with everyone staring and glaring at us as we rode in with the police and drove right to the dock. Surrounding the beautiful, picturesque lake were little mountain towns. We took an hour ride out to Santa Cruz where the LLCs had booked their hostel. Peter, Heidi and I had no plans on staying but as we rose up from the docks, it seemed we had stumbled into a magical haven.

The Iguna was just what we had been looking for. Yoga, scuba diving gear, Spanish lessons, hammocks, an open deck over looking the lake, genuine Guatemalan cuisine, and an open cabaña for 3- it was perfect. We dropped off our backpacks, were served local beer and the 7 of us ventured off to explore the small town. We climbed up the steep slopes and reached a breathtaking view. Across the lake, two volcanoes rested and the clear skies gave near perfect visibility to the surrounding towns. On our hike down, we picked up some cheese and crackers and sat outside the patio area back at the hostel. The sun was setting and our stomachs were rumbling as Peter and I curled up in the ‘chill room’ and took a quick siesta. Just as we woke up, our family style dinner was being served: chunky tomato soup, homemade pizza and squash cake. We met other American travelers and one of the employees even went to high school with Peter and Heidi back in Seattle. The employees of the Iguna work in 2 week increments; a sign rests outside offering room and board in exchange for 2 weeks or more of service. Brian, the newest employee of 2 days, told great stories of his adventures for the last 13 months. He’s from Cincinnati but took his backpack, camera and sense of adventure when he left home and began his journey down Central and South America. Sounds like the perfect traveling plan.

After dinner, I learned how to shoot pool for the first time while other guests played cards, darts or sat around chatting. As the frogs began to croak and the mosquitoes began to bite, Heidi, Peter and I went out looking for a clear place to jump into the lake. Scared by the rumors of Guatemala’s danger, we headed back to the dock and laid out looking at all the stars instead. I don’t know if I have ever seen stars like this- the sky looked so close and like I literally could reach out and touch it. The shooting stars caught a few of my wishes but I felt like I had everything you could possibly need. By 11:30, just breaking curfew, we crawled into the cabana and fell asleep listening to the sounds of nature creep into the night.

Peter woke me up by throwing a pillow in my face- Heidi had already gone off into the lake for a morning swim. We sat out on the porch and soaked up the glistening sun as the morning yoga class stretched into harmony. Breakfast was astounding; fresh fruit (most amazing pineapple of my life), granola, yogurt, black beans, eggs, tomatoes, avocados and of course Guatemalan grown coffee. We put on our swimsuits and flipflops and decided to hike across to the nearest town of Jabilito. The population must have been under 100 but the town was full of smiling faces and hard working women and children who carried goods on their heads throughout the street. On our hike back, we jumped in the lake- so refreshing, clear and stunning. We ran into Brian who was enjoying his first day off. The four of us stumbled upon the Santa Cruz verse Pana futbol game; playing in matching uniforms on a torn up field, the ninos scrambled for the ball and rustled in the dirt. At halftime, we made our way back to the hostel for lunch- more delicious comida and traveling stories from Anna, another employee who started her journey from Cambridge months ago.

The boat to Pana, our next destination, arrived full but we snuggled in between. We arrived 15 minutes later and walked throughout the town stopping at the markets. After using the art of bargaining, we walked away with new shirts, aprons, a hat, jewelry and friendship bracelets before returning to the pier again. We had arranged a van to come and drive us over the mountain and into Antigua but before leaving, we bought a few tortillas and an avocado off the street and made our own scrumptious, fresh mini sandwiches. The road to Antigua was long, rough, windy and turned our stomachs into knots. Dusk was upon us as we sped through little towns crowded with chicken buses and more pot holes. Finally by 6pm, we arrived at the Casa Anto Domingo- a famous ruin museum in the middle of an overpriced, fancy resort.

We had wanted that local, hostel style traveling but Peter’s roommate insisted that we all meet up and have a formal, nice last night out. However, we came into the hotel dirty, smelly and carrying our backpacks- we were an immediate target for suspicious behavior and the guards took notice. Unfortunately Peter’s roommate hadn’t arrived yet but we were lucky enough to find a fellow SASer in the hotel that let us hang out in the suite. We dropped off our packs, freshened up, and headed back into the city to explore as much of Antigua as we could. Cobblestone streets, whole buildings that are only divided by the drastic change of colors and an enormous volcano in the background; Antigua is gorgeous. By 8:30, it was pouring rain so we hurried back to the hotel only to find Mike, Peter’s roommate, still hadn’t check in. Rather than stress, Heidi and I treated ourselves to the pool and hot tub. The entire hotel had such a romantic feel- rose peddles in vases, everything lit by candles and white christmas lights. After swimming in the rain, Peter finally found his roommate who had already gone to dinner at the hotel… even though we had been waiting for him to eat. Grumpy and worried about being out at night, we found black bean and sausage pizza, red and white wine, and ate inside the hotel room. The night ended up being filled with bumping into random SAS students and faculty within the hotel, fireworks going off that sounded like gun shots, and a late night order of room service- very different from our previous night yet one to remember.

Heidi was up early but Peter and I slept till 9:30. We took a half hour walk around the hotel just trying to find her before we hit the streets in search for breakfast. At the city square, we found Café Contesta- we sat inside on a bench in the middle of a garden with a fountain and chirping birds. Brunch was phenomenal- banana smoothies, coffee, huevos rancheros, granola and the most amazing jam I’ve ever had. It was pineapple and papaya with a hint of cinnamon- I ate it plain for a sweet after taste. We walked around the city more and made our last stop at the market- needed to use my bargaining skills one last time. I stopped in a young woman’s shop and found the ideal anklet I’d been searching for. As she tied my new multi-colored woven thread, she noticed the shoes hanging off my backpack. She asked if they were mine and what size- without even confirming, I handed her the green tennis shoes I bought specifically for SAS. The shoes have been around the world- stormed the streets of Morocco, posed in front of the Taj Mahal, played in the fields of Vietnam- and now they will remain in Guatemala. Somewhere adventurous and with many more miles to offer, I hope they bring her exactly where she desires to go.

We took a van back to Puerto Quetzal to make it before dock time. One last time boarding the 5th deck gangway. One last time swiping my card. One last time having my backpack checked for smuggling on alcohol. One last time to watch us pull out of port. We had a BBQ on the 7th deck as the horn blew three times and we began our final leg down the southern coast of Central America.

I was worried that Guatemala would leave me with such a final ending feeling. That it would register that this was the last port- my last hooray before going home. But it’s been quiet the opposite. Being at the lake, talking to Brian, traveling with Peter and Heidi- this is simply the beginning. Semester At Sea may be nearing its end but my journey, adventures and life lessons are just launching. I’m thrilled to continue on- to keep living out of my backpack, eating bread and cheese and calling it a meal, practicing my Spanish, living in run down hostels, making discoveries left and right and finding myself in the oddest of places. It’s the people that I’m going to miss- it’s the friends who have become family that are the reasons I can’t face SAS ending.

Heidi has been my hero- the person I aspire to be. She is 23 and has already done so much yet carries the potential to do so much more (and she will). She takes life as it comes at her and focuses on the moment. She dances to her own beat and has been so kind to share that rhythm with me. Then there is Peter. The time with Peter has taught me more about myself and who I want to be more than anyone else I’ve ever met. He has shown me the beauty in the small moments and the power in the silence. We are currently sitting on the 6th deck watching the waves crash by and 3 dolphins just jumped and splashed right before our eyes. Peter stopped me from typing just to stand up and look overboard- to soak it all in and experience this. It’s these moments I can’t bare to live without. I know that SAS must end but I truly see this as the beginning- as a new chapter or the continuation of my story. I just wish the main characters could continue with me.