Growth Spurt

Rather than explaining where I've been, let's just jump into my favorite form of blogging digestion: bullet points.

- The first month of the new year has come and gone. Filled with my best friend's visit for new years, a new job, a trip to California to celebrate 100 fabulous years of Great Grandma Vi's life and a new reality slash look on my personal life. Where to begin... I decided to job hunt in the beginning of December- bless the preschool and all its generosity but it was not the right fit. I have no desire to enter early education and within 2 months, I felt that I had hit the ceiling and there was no room for growth. Making no money and a horrible commute, I took the first step forward. By January 3rd, I had an offer for a tour management job that seemed like a perfect fit. I left the school and went out on the limb only to be fooled and disappointed. What seemed like a fabulous job leading to a new career, ended up being a nonprofessional scheme that I had fallen into. Fortunately my detective skills spotted the red flags and I backed out as soon as possible. Leaving left me feeling proud of my decision, confident in myself but also predictably unemployed.

- Round two of unemployed has been very different than 4 months ago. This time around I'm holding my head high, I take caution with Craigslist (and highly advise against it), I am filled with faith that it will all work out and I am monitoring my finances like a real champ. My life is much more grounded and the chaos and worry that overwhelmed me last time simply does not exist. These past 2 weeks I have been clearly job hunting but also dabbling in personal favorites like writing, working out, watching trash TV, reading books that have sat on my shelf for months and spending snow days wrapped up with Kevin and his family playing board games and lying in the copious amounts of snow that are doomed to never go away. Rather than sit around and worry about life, I feel like I'm out there living it. I've taken up a new interest in cooking- I actually found a recipe in a magazine and made it! This is a huge step for me seeing as I usually heat up frozen veggies, add BBQ sauce and call it a day. You can see my tasty, so simple yet so delightful creation below- egg whites with tomato and onion served in a pleated, whole wheat tortilla. Topped off with the much needed Cholula.

- So all in all this year is still wonderful and I am glowing from this personal growth. I have always preached this behavior but for the first time I am doing it myself. For the first time, I'm completely confident in my decision to live in Boston. I no longer question why I'm here or if I should escape to California even though that's the easier road. I feel very strong about my last job interview- it would be a great stepping stone, a manageable commute and somewhere I could continue to grow. And if I don't get it- I'm not worried. There are opportunities arising everyday and the right one will come along in due time.

- In final thoughts, as mentioned a year ago, Valentine's Day is my 2nd favorite holiday. A day dedicated to love, conversation hearts, red and pink sparkles and, of course, my baby brother's birthday. A day so special I'll save it for another post.

One Magic Christmas

With nearly 20 inches of snow beginning to fill Boston with post Christmas spirit, I feel it's the first time I am sitting, calm and have no where to be. Don't get me wrong, I love the fast paced life, the busy schedules and the joyous feeling of falling into bed after somehow cramming 25 hours into a 24 hour day. But for now, this quiet and stillness is just what I've craved.

Seeing as the last month flew by, the backtracking seems to ramble from my mouth. Thanksgiving was the best and by best I mean best. Just what I needed, just what I hoped for. Days upon returning to Boston, we drove up to Vermont where the freezing ice revealed my first snow dusting of the season. Kevin did a show and opened for Nick Cannon (did I really forget to tell everyone Kev does stand up comedy...), we saw old camp friends, reunited with Kevin's college friends and returned to warmer weather in B-town.

Days later we hoped on the Fung-Wah bus and headed south to the ever so magical land of New.York.City. Within 48 hours, we saw it all. Friends for bottomless brunch, Cake Boss, Dylan's Candy Bar, Serendipity, The Plaza and made Home Alone faces, the Rockefeller tree that literally brought a tear to my eye, Bryant Park ice skating, the ever so inspiring NY Public Library, celebrities in Greenwich, college friends in the lower east side and spent a solid sleep in Hoboken with Kevin's oldest childhood friend. As the rain began to pour, we headed back to Boston, a winning Patriot's game and just in time to get the Anglin Christmas tree!

The first weekend in Boston, in nearly a month, gave me the much needed opportunity to reevaluate things. Here we were deep in the Christmas season, the first snow blessed us, the joyful holiday spirit in full bloom and I was stuck in bed for the 3rd time in a month with the flu. The weakened immunity brought out my strengths as I decided to make a new plan. A new and yes again progressing plan. A plan where I'm no longer this fresh grad starving for work but am an adult beginning to make it. The plan is still in the creation period but just the feeling of knowing I can do more, I can be more- has fully uplifted my spirits.

Christmas arrived at a record speed. School closed, celebrations occurred and suddenly it was Christmas Eve. Time for a selfish confession. As a true lover of Christmas and one who relies too heavily on the love and support of her family, I thought this Christmas was going to slip away and I'd be left in shambles. Thousands of miles away from my own traditions, my own stocking, my own family, I felt that I'd be forgotten and just prayed the holiday would pass. I even feel embarrassed now to confess such selfish thoughts but I am confident enough to laugh at myself and tell you all that this was truly the best Christmas I've ever had. Not only was I not forgotten but I don't think I've ever been so remembered. Starting from the parents at school to my parents on the west coast to Kevin's parents here in Boston- I have truly never felt so loved in my life. The Anglin's graciously asked me to spend the holiday with them. They shared their traditions and treated me as one of their own. Christmas Eve dinner with 20 cousins, meeting Grandma Christmas day, a stocking hung with care and a spot in their family Christmas photo. The entire day was perfect and the only tear shed was when I opened Kevin's gift and I've never felt more thankful for or loved by anyone before. White snow, delicious food and the pure warmth of family. A hilarious conference call (thanks Skype!) to California let me hear the voices I had been missing and for a moment I felt I was sitting there right at Jeffrey court.

Maybe it's because I'm getting older but then again maybe it's because I need to grow up. My mentality and views on things such as Christmas have begun to change. I no longer run downstairs in PJs to daze over Santa's presents or even make a Christmas list and hope that I've made it on the nice list. But now, 22 years later, I think I'm beginning to understand the real meaning of Christmas. It was a whole season of love, of believing in yourself, of making dreams come true and of being surrounded by family whether or not they share your last name. This new insight, this new blessing was the greatest gift of all. I still can't wait to see the people who know me best (and revealed that in this year's tradition of limericks) and let California embrace me with her sunshine. But until then I'll be okay. I've got time, I've got dreams and plans to make and it's safe to say, I've got a pretty good thing going for me here in Boston.

A Thankful Fit

Sitting in the Boston Logan International Airport surrounded by fellow travelers, fellow unknown friends that are craving home, fellow Bostonians who are saying goodbye to our city and hello to somewhere that once quite possibly was home. It wasn't till I was leaving that I realized how adapted, how comfortable, how much this city has grown on me and I've grown into it. It's like a new mattress, a new pillow- something that will soon provide the necessary comfort one needs to survive but takes nights of restless sleep, nights of questioning if you'll ever make it, nights of tossing, turning and wanting your old mattress/pillow that formed to every curve and line of your body.

Thanksgiving always seems like the perfect time to reflect. The end of November and somehow this year has just sped through. This year I seem to be the most grateful and thankful because as I scan this year- this year of change, of questioning, of wandering- I am beyond thankful for everyone and everything. It feels like such a growing year. I've become someone I actually like- someone I'm proud to be.

Leaving Boston and returning to California- leaving a loved one and returning to loved ones. I suppose that's all you can ask for- that no matter where you go, you're loved. You're missed, someone is awaiting your arrival- there's someone thinking of you.

So I'm thankful for it all- thankful that I can go back to California, that although it's all changed nothing with our family rituals will have altered. Thankful that Lexi will be returning from her 5 month travels abroad, thankful to hear about everyone's new lives, thankful to make fun of Silas' college raging behavior, thankful for some In&Out, some Home Alone viewing and at the end of it all, I get to return to Kevin- someone I'm endlessly thankful for everyday, every moment, every way.

Progressive Thoughts

With the new addiction to tumblr, my thoughts seem to come in visual or list form. So why stop now...

* I am loving my new job at the preschool. Things that were difficult to get used to: up by 7:30 am every day and not home till after 6pm, the hour long commute both ways, the unreliability of public transportation, the frustration in trying to explain why a nine is shaped like "9" and is not the same at the letter "q" and working 5 days a week while still trying to have a social life. But I am getting through it all by finding the romance in it- seeing the beauty in the commute, the same people, the rituals, the brisk morning walks, the accomplishing feeling when I return home, the magic of following a schedule and laughing at nearly everything my students say (like calling me Miss Dylan...)

* I am still exploring and finding the glory in Boston. Kevin and I went to Cape Cod, I still spend a few hours of the weekend at the Boston Public Library (my commute allows for free reading!) and I actually know my way around. Whether it's the green line, the grocery store or the cobble streets, I am beginning to look like I belong here and even get stopped for directions.

* Since these are confessions it seems natural to reveal some of the not so bright highlights of this new life I am leading. I'll just go out and say it- living 3,000 miles away from CA, having your best friends in all different states and time zones, missing your old life yet knowing you belong in the new one and trying to put on a smile is the hardest thing I've had to do. At times I have felt like a complete failure. I have broken down and wanted to run backwards, I have stalked my friends' pictures on facebook of their current college days and for the first time in a long time I felt completely and utterly lost. With the help of my parents, siblings, friends and boyfriend, I came into the light and am again learning to take it one day at a time. I guess I knew it would be hard but not this hard. It even took me awhile to seek help, to even talk about my current situation because really who wants to talk about feeling lost and depressed?

* As always, there is a bright side! I have taken steps out of the dark shadows and am currently exhaling and loving this life. Yes I miss the past but I know this is where I belong. Yes I have no money and every day brings the new question of what to do about it but I have a job and I am trying (and I have become a better cook!!!!). I miss my friends but I am making new ones here (whether they are Kevin's, dear long lost sorority sisters or random people I meet on the T, I have literally never been this friendly in my life (except when I was rushing Theta...).

* More bright sides (because you can never really have enough). I am going home to CA for Thanksgiving and the school was beyond generous and said do whatever it takes to get the cheapest flight- family comes first. I am spending Christmas with Kevin's family!! For a holiday seasonal mini vacation, we are going to NYC for ice skating in Central Park (yes like my all time favorite movie Serendipity) and seeing the Christmas tree in hopes that Kevin McCallister is still there and home alone. We're spending NYE 2011 in NYC (I used to dream of this when Carson Daily still was on MTV) and finally in January, Kevin will return home with me for my Great Grandma Vi's 100th Birthday!!

* So yes life has ups and downs and plateaus and does flips and sometimes this little life rollercoaster metaphor can get stuck but in the end, the ride is always, always worth it.

The Whole Truth

One month in. I can't tell if it feels like a long or short amount of passed time. With such unpredictable, schedule free days, my life seems to be slowly molding. It's been a rollercoaster and I am dying for smooth sailing. Time to back track.

- I got a job in inside sales for an insurance company. A salary, benefits and office downtown seemed so appealing because isn't that what I'm supposed to be doing? I studied for days for my insurance exam and struggled to pay attention- after all I was studying for something I simply had zero interest in. But I pushed myself and luckily pushed myself into clear thinking. What was I doing? I'd be getting into a career I have no desire for. Happiness was no where in view and so I took a leap of faith and rejected the offer.

- I had a nice long chat with myself. What do I really want to be doing? Where is my passion? Suddenly it was right before my eyes. I have spent most of my 'working' time with kids. As a nanny or camp counselor, I surrounded myself with work that never felt like work. It was living. I dared to look into the educational world and found myself falling more and more. I could teach English, read my favorite books, have creative writing assignments and do what I love every day. My next steps formed themselves as I headed for preschool interviews. Still, in this moment, I am waiting to hear from my first choice as a teacher assistant but I realized even if I don't get it, I made the right choice by ditching the insurance job. My dad phrased it well- my dream was to move to Boston not to become a business woman. So I'm focusing on that and letting the rest of my life unfold as it should.

- All this unemployment has given me time for myself and time for exploring. Whether it's weekend trips to Vermont, day trips into the Gardens or afternoons dazed in the Boston Public Library, I have fallen in love with New England and Boston all over again. I've learned to be as cheap as possible and let my adventurous side take over. Sure the list of 'things to do when I have money' is rather long but I still feel like I'm making the most of it.

- I've created a new writing depot. Tumblr has become my site for thoughts and posts with a different tone for a different time in my life. (http://confessionsofapickle.tumblr.com/) Rather than paragraphs with updates, my new blog has become my entertainment and my hobby. Of course I will still write here for this was what inspired it all.

- Overall, life is good. Taking each day at a time (thanks to Keeley's 'Mechanics of Leaving' album I have found deep comfort in knowing I am not alone). Kevin continues to be the best thing to happen to me. He's opened his arms, house, family and friends as I've struggled to find my way. He reminds me daily that this is a normal part of life, that I'll make it, to breathe and that he'll be there for every fall and every rise. Of course I'm looking forward to the rise but until then this uncomfortable, life learning, endless personal questioning phase is exactly where I should be.

This Is What Dreams Are Made Of

Leading up to how I currently feel was a long journey. Yes with our detours and stops it was nearly 4,000 miles and 6 days of driving but besides the physical distance I literally feel thousands of miles away from the emotional and mental states that used to be the norm.

For starters, leaving camp was emotional as expected. Goodbyes are extremely difficult when you've spent every day, hour and second with people and suddenly you are forced to hug goodbye and give that "I will see you one day" comment when really they are flying across the globe and one day seems like forever. The only warm hearted feeling is that I will stay in touch with those people and Camp Boston starts relatively soon! (Another bonus for living in a city where a) heaps of other counselors attend school b) a place where foreigners wanna see while touring the USA and c) where Kevin calls home :)

36 hours after packing up my dirty, camp fire smelling clothes and driving down the mountains, I had repacked everything, given away half my life and taped endless boxes of things I wanted shipped to Boston. Taylor and I left in 'Shaneanea' (the lil jetta that we grew to love) and said goodbye to the family and the golden state. It was like leaving for college all over again and like this deep, swollen wound in my heart was being torn open. It felt permanent and like that moment in 'Father of the Bride' where she says she knows she can't stay, she knows she can always return but she feels like she has to turn in her key. Funny that it's my all time favorite movie and for the first time I could relate.

We started our adventure and along came crazy stories and memories- pouring gasoline on Taylor's leg, finding blood in my DQ ice cream come (side note I am totally healthy and do not have diseases from this now funny story), sleeping in the car at a truck stop, being pulled over and strip searched by the Wyoming State Patrol, returning to Boulder and seeing the most important people in the 303, camping in the Badlands, exploring Minneapolis and loving it (even went to the State Fair, went on roller coasters and pet a sheep), cruising across middle America and deciding one day I will live on a farm in Ohio, camping in Ithaca and deciding I will never live there nor step foot there again and finally pulling into Boston and seeing that we had made it. Quite the long run on sentence to mirror the long run on my body and mind while being stuck in a car for 6 days.

So this all leads up to these past 24 hours. Last night we got discouraged as a fellow new Boston resident told us we would essentially fail- we wouldn't find an apartment, friends and even that we would gain weight (hum total side track but yes she implied it). We fell asleep in this gorgeous Victorian Boston home (thanks for college friends!) and as I tossed and turned and worried I just tried to breathe. Restless sleep woke me up at 6am and so we tuned out negativity and went off to find us a home.

I had a feeling that apartment #2 would be the one- 22 is my lucky number but I didn't have the patience or time to see 22 apartments so 2 would do. With one turn of the key, Jordan, the 30 year old realtor who suddenly became our bestie, opened the large wooden door of our dreams. Perfect 2 bedroom, large kitchen, inspiring windows and enough possibility to make it our own that no other apartment compared. The next hours now seem like a blur- we had to get papers signed, money transferred, open new bank accounts, drive around Boston and not get hit by the T and somehow survive in the blazing humid heat. But guess what- we did it. By 5pm, we had signed everything, met the owner and convinced him we were the tenants he'd been looking for. We had made friends along the way and actually have furniture looking dates tomorrow (the BC kids put all their sweet furniture out on the streets for free and yes it's classy and yet it's used but literally we are broke).

So here I am- it's been years of dreaming and suddenly it's all coming true. As of midnight tonight, I have an apartment. I have signed a lease for 1 year and therefore, not like I ever would leave, but am required to stay here and make a life. Joanna and I have pushed aside every worry and every bad thing people have told us and well stuck it to the man. We did it.

The universe, now more than ever, is unfolding. Maybe I need a job but tonight I'm focusing on all that I have. I have an amazingly supportive family who went out of their way to praise this accomplishment and even went out of their busy day to co-sign a lease so that his roadrunning daughter can start a new life. I have a best friend who put up with my worries and tears and reminded me that it would work out and friends who currently don't live here but have been in spirit this whole journey. I have a loving boy (ok fine he's a man) who has made me so beyond excited to take over the east coast and explore every inch of my new city with him even though he calls it his backyard. My dreams have literally come true. I may be 3,000 miles away from the west coast, from the familiarity and from the people I love more than humanely possible but in this new city, in a new room with no bed and ok I'm in a sleeping bag until I have enough money to buy a bed... I feel right where I should be and I wouldn't trade it for anything.

Heaps of Sunshine

2 months later it seems nearly everything has changed. Currently sitting on the top bunk with the sounds of ropes course and guitar lessons fluttering outside my cabin, I feel pretty distant from the last time I wrote. Throughout the summer there were moments I actually thought of this simple blog- I wanted to share the experience, describe everything I was seeing and essentially give you a taste of this place I’ve grown so attached to.

This summer has been so different from last that I’ve stopped comparing. My activities, the people, the feelings and more are as if I’m at a different camp altogether. I like it that way- it preserves what was last year and creates something completely new for this summer. Some memorable highlights have been working on the ropes course, becoming a sailing instructor, learning guitar, singing on stage and creating/writing the camp blog. It’s been a much more active summer filled with testing and challenging myself while getting that golden tan I dreamed about all winter.

I’ve gotten so close to all my friends here. I’ve adapted the Aussie lingo and know that I always have a place to stay in Scotland, England, Georgia or I’ll always have a traveling partner since everyone here is so ambitious and anxious to grab life’s next adventure.

I suppose the biggest change of the summer is my post camp plan. Clearly I have dreamed of living on the east coast, particularly NYC, for quite some time now. In high school, I covered my walls with images of Boston and applied to 9 colleges 3,000 miles away from the golden coast. When it came time to pick a college, I fell head over heels in love with Boulder and never looked back on my decision- I knew I would always move east afterward. When afterward became the present tense, I narrowed my mind to Boston or NYC. With my dear friend Hannah on my side, NYC won and thus began this long journey and plan to move to Brooklyn. When people kept trying to tear me down about NYC, I got defensive and it made me want to go even more. However, part of me always felt like I had left Boston out. Thus began a battle- was I allowed to change my mind? I’ve been telling everyone NYC for so long it just became the plan. Could I change the plan?

Boston came back into the picture when I realized I don’t want to jump right into the world. Here at camp I’m surrounded by adventurous, spontaneous young people who really live life by the edge. Some people are going to Canada to work or traveling Europe or working in ski resorts for the winter. No one has set plans forever- they are willing to change at any moment. They are taking advantage of this time in our lives- of being young and free. So why was I sitting there worried about starting a career and being a full blown adult? There is so much I still want to do- so many places I still want to travel and so much to experience while I’m just 22. I will still move to NYC. I will still take the subway to work, go on runs in Central Park and ice skate at Rockefeller Center for Christmas. I’m just putting that on pause and I can’t tell you how good it feels to know that it’s ok to admit that.

Taylor, Joanna and I have fully planned out our roadtrip. We are leaving August 24th from CA and plan on making it to Boston by August 30th. When we get to there, we are possibly staying with Joanna’s cousin or maybe a friend from college but we’ll be apartment hunting and starting to discovery this city I’ve dreamed of since 10th grade. There is so much unknown and so much to learn. There are so many opportunities just waiting for me to grab. I’ve begun the job hunt, had a phone interview and scored another one when I get to the city and most of all I’ve started taking all the weight I personally placed on my shoulders and starting breathing again. I’m not worried at all. So my plans have changed- I’m a roadrunner and filled with faith. I can’t wait to walk the cobble streets and embrace the history that sweeps throughout Boston. I can’t wait to roam the east coast for the season change and experience it all.

It will help that I have a friend returning with me to Boston. Not only are Taylor, Rebecca and Joanna sharing the same zipcode but someone who started as a camp friend and is now so much more will be returning to his home town. I’m used to the snickering by now and the questions of if I’m following him. Clearly I am not but having Kevin in Boston will be such a bonus. Not only does he know the city, the coast and more but I’m not ready to end this journey we’ve started together. Of course leave it up to me to find another fairytale romance but this one is something different. This one has left me without questions or worries. This one has shown me the good ones are worth the wait. Lucky for me we aren’t forced to say goodbye but rather hello to the new and exciting experiences that we can’t wait to start together.